Wilma Flintstone released a statement today that she does not believe that alcohol played any part in her daughter's 27 car accident two days ago.
"Pebbles was going into false labour, and that can be really scary for a girl her age."
Pebbles, 16, is having what is believed to be the love child of her longtime boyfriend, Bamm Bamm. Her pregnancy to date has not been extraordinary, but circumstances around it have been. Even for a prehistoric girl, things have been odd.
First, of course, was the reaction of her father, Fred Flintstone. Mr Flintstone was at work at the time, and, upon hearing of his daughter's pregnancy, he accidentally jerked his dino-crane into launching a boulder into the air. This boulder fell onto the tail of another dino-crane, causing it to run, terrified. Mr. Nate Slate, the owner of Slate Quarry, was killed in the following stampede, along with several smaller dino-cranes. No charges were filed against any of the crane operators.
Pebbles then announced, on the Jerry Springrock show that Bamm Bamm might not be the father of her child after all. A parade of other teenage boys were brought out and all claimed to be possible fathers, but after the show, in a personal interview with RedRock magazine, Pebbles admitted she had not slept with all the boys on the show.
"Yes, I did have two other lovers around the time I got pregnant, but I certainly have not slept with all seventeen of the guys on the show! It might sound like a lot, but I've been with four guys. The truth is most girls in my class at school have slept with at least four guys."
Pebbles went on to describe what she called X-Parties where the boys and girls would strip, blindfold themselves and have sex with anyone they could find.
"The point of them is that you aren't supposed to know who you were with. Well, I do know who I was with at the one party I attended, because I'd been with him a few times before the party." Pebbles refused to say who she was referring to, saying that only the people he'd been with needed to know. "All I'll say is that his personality is not the only big boisterous part of him." She would not elaborate further.
After the Springrock show, in a much less publicized event, Pebbles had a baby shower that went horribly wrong when a pair of male strippers arrived and began their dance at the wrong address. Before they could be stopped, they had performed over half their act.
"Well, says Betty Rubble, "At least I got to see what Barney and Mel Sandstone are doing."
It was not actually Pebbles herself who caused the next scandal, but Franklin Marble, who rented out a blimp to advertise his love for and willingness to marry Pebbles. The trouble of it was that despite all his talk, Marble had never even seen Pebbles before she appeared on Jerry Springrock and was not, as he claimed, the father of her baby. After a week of ridiculous stunts that drew attention from everyone in Bedrock, Marble admitted he was a fraud who only hoped to get his name in the newspaper for being associated with someone famous. He thought if his name and face got out, his career as an actor would be assured, despite his utter lack of any talent for anything at all.
Things were quiet for the next three months, until this week. On Monday at about 4 p.m., Pebbles was driving herself to the hospital. She believed she was going into labour, and admits she may have been speeding. She also admits she was coming from a party her friends were throwing for her, but denies drinking any alcohol at the party. Several of the other girls were questioned, and all of them were too drunk to be of any help to police. No blood alcohol tests were performed on Pebbles, however, as by the time she was freed from the wreckage of the accident, she was really going into labour and her baby was born on the way to County General hospital. Granddad Fred insisted on tests at once to indicate the father of the newest Flintstone, whose name has not been released.
The following possible fathers have been tested: Bamm Bamm Rubble, Rocky Johnson (No relation to the professional wrestler) Clayton Sandstone, nephew to Barney Rubble's lover, Mel Sandstone, and Bad Luck Schleprock. Speculation has abounded on which of the four has the "big boisterous personality."
Rocky Johnson has released a statement, in writing, to this reporter. In it, he indicated he was not the father because he had never been intimate with Pebbles. Among the numerous spelling and grammatical errors was this gem. "She need go fin her REAL babby's daddy."
The note, rewritten to make sense and to indicate Pebbles needed to find the "baby's real daddy", not the "real baby's" father was presented to Pebbles, along with a copy of the original.
Pebbles counters this allegation silently with a photograph clearly showing her having sex with Johnson. Since the technology to make a fake photograph will not be invented for several thousand years, this photo is considered proof of Pebbles having slept with Rocky Johnson. Johnson had no further comment.
When asked, Bamm Bamm said he was probably the father because he and Pebbles had been so close for so long. Bamm Bamm believes in the still popular theory that babies are not made when people have sexual relations, but by the close proximity of males and females, which allows the Spirit of the Great One to blend the souls of the male and female into a new life. Bamm Bamm says he will be the best father he can be, will raise his child in the teachings of the Spirit of the Great One and will marry Pebbles if she wishes. Bamm Bamm's mother, Betty Rubble, is quite thrilled at the prospect of a grandchild, but warns Bamm Bamm against marriage. After the fiasco she went through with Barney and his lover Mel Sandstone, it's not hard to understand.
Clayton Sandstone would not return phone calls and has not issued any statement. He has been strangely silent on the matter, possibly not wanting any more attention after his family's shock over Clayton's uncle Melvin Sandstone.
When asked for a comment, Bad Luck Schleprock simply said "Wowsie wowsie woo-woo." and wandered away.
UPDATE: After the first edition went to press, we received a note from County General hospital. Pebbles has been informed of her child's father's identity, and plans to release the name of the father, and the child, later today in a press conference.