Written by Xinix Xaxx
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Topics: Cartoon, Smurfs

Thursday, 28 January 2010

The Smurfs have not had an easy time of things lately. After Hefty Smurf was arrested and imprisoned for steroid abuse, the entire village fell victim to Scrappy Doo's pyramid scheme and lost everything. It looked like the whole village would end up wandering the streets of various cities, but President Jimmy Carter and Habitat for Humanity came to their rescue. After building what amounted to a large doghouse, the Smurfs had a roof over their heads and a warm, dry place to live. Their problems were not over.

Creditors did not show the mercy President Carter showed. The Smurfs were, one by one, hauled into various courts for non-payment of bills. There was no federal bailout for the little blue fellows as they are not even listed as a species, let alone a group that qualifies for aid. All of the Smurfs fell into depression, many became desperate, and against Papa Smurf's wishes, they took jobs wherever they could. Some of these jobs were low paying entry level jobs, but most were sweatshop jobs. Smurfs don't have Social Security numbers, employers can't pay them legally, and the Smurfs can't complain or sue.

Smurfette might have fallen the farthest. She has gone into movies. Adult movies.

Under the name Hornette Smurf, Smurfette has been involved in a total of 16 movies thus far. She shares scenes with some of the adult industry's biggest names, such as Ron Jerenie, Peter South, John Colmes and Barbara Tare. Smurfette will not confirm if her newest movie, in which she is known to share the screen with Barbara Tare, contains scenes with only Smurfette and Ms. Tare.

Papa Smurf, of course, is outraged at Smurfette's behaivour.

"Now, on top of all the other problems I'm dealing with, I have Smurfette making these blue movies!!" Papa then realized what he said, blushed a deep purple and stomped away. The interview did not continue until the next day.

"She's started something. I've had three other smurfs come up to me and ask if I thought they'd be able to make any money in movies. Honestly, I think Swishy Smurf might be able to find work in a few select movies, but I don't think any of the others would get anything." Papa told this reporter, pointing out Swishy Smurf in his rainbow coloured pants and hat. "Seriously, the Smurfs aren't really cut out for movies like those. I've tried to get us work as stunt doubles for other cartoon characters, but there just aren't that many as small as we are. We might have to talk to Vince MacHahand and the WWWWWE and take his offer for work as wrestling talent. The pay was terrible, but it's pay."

Papa Smurf is too old to be a professional wrestler, so he's been peddling his skill as a wizard to various telephone psychics. His honesty scares away the customers, though, so he doesn't get to stay with any company for long.

"I just wish we'd realized Scrappy Doo was stealing from us sooner." Brainy Smurf admits. "If we'd known, we could have busted him, had the cops come down on him. There probably would have been a reward. Now I just have to use my superior intellect to hustle card games."

Brainy and his superior intellect have lost what little the Smurfs had left. Papa knows, of course, but the rest of the Smurfs think they had to pay for their "house" and the money went toward that.

UPDATE: As this story was going to press, the reporter learned a new detail. Farmer Smurf has been arrested for growing marijuana. More details as we get them.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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