Written by Xinix Xaxx
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Topics: Gay, Cartoon, Flintstones

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Barney Rubble announced today in a press conference, that he is indeed homosexual and in a relationship with Melvin Sandstone. This news rocked Bedrock as if an earthquake had rumbled through town.

"I never knew," says longtime friend Fred Flintstone. "I always just thought Barn was one of the, you know, one of the guys. He's married to Betty, he always acted like a real man's man, but I guess now he's a different kind of "man's man"."

"I just feel so sorry for Betty," added Wilma Flintstone. "She's dealing with something very difficult now. What will she do now?

Barney had different thoughts.

"I didn't want this. I wanted it to stay quiet. If Edwin Granite hadn't threatened to expose my secrets when we broke up, Nobody would have known anything."

"That's just not true," says Barney's charming wife Betty. "I've known for a long time. He used to go out bowling with the guys, but I'd see Fred come home much earlier than Barney. They always, always came home together from bowling, usually drunk and loud. On nights he just said he was bowling, he'd come home smelling of aftershave that he didn't own. Sometimes he'd come home having showered. I know there's no shower at that bowling alley."

Betty couldn't leave her unfaithful husband. Her religion does not allow divorce, and she was raised by parents who, despite never even talking to one another, stayed married because they had taken the vows. For the marriage to end, Barney will have to be the one to end it. There is no evidence to suggest he will.

"No way! I don't want to break up my marriage. I get such better tax status being married to Betty I'll never leave her. Even if I only come back to that house to sleep once a week, I'll stay married." Barney said.

When asked about how intimate Betty and Barney had been, Betty blushed. "I've been married for over ten years," She said. "And I am still a virgin. Barney never even made a move to touch me. That's why we had to adopt Bamm Bamm. All the stuff about infertility was just stuff. Barney wasn't even tested to see if he could make a baby. I wasn't either, honestly, because Barney didn't want another man to look at me down there, or so he said. I think he just didn't want them to know he'd never touched me like that."

"It hasn't been easy for me," Barney claims. "do you know how many times I've had to shower with the guys after a football game or something, and had to fight the urge to touch someone? I've spent so many years right beside Fred, and I loved him almost all that time, but I knew I couldn't tell him. I knew Fred wouldn't understand."

Not all of the people Barney worked with were ignorant to his secret life.

"Mr Slate, before he died, knew all about me. We used to dress up in leather masks and tight leather clothes and use his office to… Well, do things. We'd do things once or twice a month. Nobody ever asked why I kept getting bonuses in my paycheck, and I never told anyone, either. It wasn't about love with Mr Slate like it is with Mel. With Mr Slate, it was about money and having fun."

When asked for a comment, Melvin Sandstone simply said "I love Barney. He loves me. Can't you leave it at that?"

Well, Mr Sandstone, yes. Yes we can.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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