Written by Skoob1999
Print this

Monday, 25 January 2010

image for Social Networking 'Suicides' On The Increase
Can I Be Your Friend? - No! Fuck Off!

Social networking sites - a great idea, with limitless potential for users to make virtual "friends" from all over the world, with whom to exchange chit-chat, gossip, and mutual entertainment.

But apparently all is not well in the garden of twatters, blodgers, and face*uck addicts, as increasing numbers of frustrated users are finding out to their cost.

Many regret ever having signed up for these services as they find their in-boxes jammed up with virtual mountains of electronically relayed bollocks.

The problem lies in that it takes an eternity to manually delete such accounts from your internet connection, as many rueful users have discovered. Which is where a free service offering virtual suicide by deleting your networking accounts has recently come into its own.

'Goodby Cruel Virtual World' will delete your networking accounts for free, removing the stress element from topping yourself in a virtual way.

Indeed, so popular has the service become, that a long waiting list has developed and the site administrators are looking to upgrade their service in order to cut down on waiting time.

But why would anyone want to commit virtual 'suicide' in the first place? We asked local man and service user Martin Shuttlecock who has used the service:

Are things really so desperate in social networking circles?

"Oh, I should jolly well say so," he jolly well told us. "I rue the day I ever signed up for that nonsense. I quickly amassed about 72,000 'friends' and found that I was spending virtually (no pun intended) all of my free time fending off a tsunami of meaningless twaddle. And some of it can get sinister..."

We asked Martin Shuttlecock if he was prepared to expand on that statement.

"It was probably fake," he told us. "But I had this guy claiming to be a Venezuelan serial killer asking me how I rated his choice of dump sites for the corpses of his victims. Mind you, most of my 'friends' were just sad bastards who insisted on posting really mundane crap, such as what they had for breakfast and how regular their bowel movements were. I had a French snail breeder who talked about nothing but snails, in bad English, and a woman who was obssessed with antimacassars. It was doing my head in. Thank God I don't have to put up with that nonsense any longer. Thanks to 'Goodbye Cruel Virtual World' who deleted all my accounts for free."

So it's official - social networking virtual 'suicide' is the next big thing.

More as we get it. But we won't Twitter you.

Make Skoob1999's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 4 multiplied by 5?

9 13 14 20
55 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more