Written by Abel Rodriguez

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Wednesday, 20 January 2010

image for Heidi Montag Named America's Number One Plastic Playmate
Heidi Montag after receiving her buttock augmentation procedure. (Photo by Warren Beatty).

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Ex-Playboy Playmate Heidi Montag has just been named the winner of the title of America's Number One Plastic Playmate.

The yearly title is bestowed on the celebrity female who has had the most plastic surgery done on her body and/or face.

The 23-year-old who has starred on several reality series including, The Hills, I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here, Wheel of Foreplay, and Pole Dancers of Los Angeles County says that she wants to dispel the rumor that she is addicted to plastic.

Montag says that what she is addicted to is trying to look her very best and doing whatever it takes to achieve that goal.

As a result the list of surgeries that Montag has had include collagen lip injections, big toe slenderizing, breast augmentation, a tongue reduction, a nose revision, sphincter tightening, buttock augmentation, uvula circumcision, a chin reduction, nipple coloring, and a complete clitoral cleansing.

Heidi was asked what her biggest concern is and she replied that its sneezing. She laughed and said that one good hard sneeze and it adios to half of her procedures.

She was asked how in the world she could possibly keep herself from sneezing. She replied that she has to take anti-sneezing tablets four times a day. She said that she has been taking them for three months and she has not sneezed once.

Heidi who has just released her fifth single, entitled "My Pencil Erasers Are Actually Real" will be performing that song on an upcoming edition of American Idol as well as on Saturday Night Live's new spin-off show, Sunday Night Live.

In other news. Tila Tequila has been warned by the United States Government that it she does not stop her incessant self-pitying Twittering at all hours of the day and night she runs the risk of being deported back to Singapore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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