Sir Jimmy Savile was involved in a midnight hospital dash last night. Night porters at local hospital St Nicks were startled during the nightshift, when they heard strange noises coming from one of the rooms.
One porter, who does not wish to be named said "We was passing by the room where they keep the...ahem, when we heard the sound of someone's trademark jewellery rattling vigorously, accompanied by a trademark "Ee-ugh-ee-ugh-ee-ugh".
"I shouts Hello, anybody there?" and who should come bounding out of the room but Sir Jim'll, fumbling with his trademark tracksuit and smoking one of his trademark cigars. He sprinted down the corridor and dashed out the door".
Several people had heard noises earlier in the evening, the sound of drawers opening in the room where they keep the...ahem, along with a trademark "Now then, now then...what...ave...we...ere?"
Investigators at the scene found little evidence, except on each slab a trademark "Jim Fixed It For Me" medal and the unmistakable smell of trademark cigar smoke on several of the ...ahem.
A police spokesperson said last night "If Sir Jim would like to come forward, we'd be interested to speak with him. Perhaps if he'd spent more time fixing it for me to meet Madness or slide down a rope with some soldiers, and less time getting off with his dead mum, or so I've heard, he could've avoided this embarrassing situation."
Sir Jim'll (Real name Sir James'll) has been the subject of several "unfounded" "rumours" over the years, and often courts controversy.