Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: Washington, School

Thursday, 30 September 2004

image for Cheneys To Divorce; Lynne Admits to "Freedom-Kissing" Democrat
"I Can't Live With A Woman Who Has Kissed a Democrat"

Washington, DC--In a stunning turn of events shortly before the one and only Vice-Presidential debate, Dick and Lynne Cheney have confirmed that they will be filing for divorce because Lynne once "freedom-kissed" a boy in high school who grew up to be a Democrat.

"He's not a politician. He's not rich. He's just an ordinary guy living in Wyoming whom she kissed a few times at a party," admitted a close friend of the Cheney family who refused to be named. "But he is a registered Democrat, and Dick is totally repulsed by this revelation."

Reports indicate that as soon as Cheney found out, he moved out of the couple's residence and took up temporary quarters in a duck bind.

"It happened at a high-school party," explained another friend. "Even though we lived in Wyoming, we had heard of kissing! I can't say the real words about the kind of kiss it was because of the flap about fried potatoes and the war in Iraq, but let's just say that their mouths were open."

[Note to readers: This friend then ranted and raved about the annoyance of not being able to order fried potatoes easily at fast-food restaurants and said that if anything would convince her to switch her party affiliation from Republican to Democrat, the potato language snafu would be the thing that pushed her over the ideological edge.]

The Cheneys' two daughters are grown, so that custody and child support is not an issue. However, Dick and Lynne will be hammering out issues concerning compassionate conservatism and family values when the two of them meet in the presence of their lawyers.

"This may set a lot of legal precendents," explained one legal expert. "Is Cheney really required to give Lynne any of his money if it goes against his core beliefs and triggers this sort of visceral reaction?"

Lynne Cheney has already agreed to appear on Oprah and reportedly has been receiving a flood of letters wishing her well and giving her dating, clothing, hair, and makeup tips.

Teresa Heinz Kerry expressed sympathy for Lynne and called upon Dick Cheney to rise above petty partisan feelings. "My first husband was a Republican, and my current husband is a Democrat, and I have kissed both of them. It has only made me a better person to have kissed Republicans and Democrats, and I don't understand why Dick can't see things this way."

Elizabeth Edwards agreed, stating,"When I was a graduate student in English, I kissed Repuiblicans, Democrats, Transcendentalists, Modernists, and Donne scholars. What's the big deal?"

Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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