Jesus Christ's autobiography has leapt straight to the top of the charts after a whirlwind publicity tour that involved random appearances of his face on slices of toast and shit stains on toilet cubicle doors.
'Jesus: My Shit Life So Far' has broken sales records for a first time author. The religious superstar said he was spurred to write his life's story after a previous unofficial biography, called The New Testament, fucked up so many facts.
"I wanted to tell my side of story for a change and not have four random nobodies writing shite about me now that I'm dead", said Jesus yesterday, speaking from the right hand of his father.
"I never brought that Lazarus guy back from the dead. In fact I never met the guy. And as for that whole loaves and fishes tale, well I'm more of a meat and two veg type man myself".
Jesus was sick and tired of being portrayed as a 'goody-two-shoes'. The Jesus we met was short, incredibly hairy, had a smelly arse and was gay.
"Most of the things Matthew, Mark, Luke and John wrote about me were damned lies. I never preached peace and forgiveness. Fuck that shit! A guy comes up to me with an attitude, I just kick him in the gonads and run like the wind - unless he's cute!".
Jesus' book features lots of pictures of him on holiday with his daddy. It also features a lovely photo of that time he was crucified, died and was buried.
"I had a picture taken of my resurrection but I forgot to get the pictures developed at the 1-hour photo booth so it's lost for eternity".
Jesus is now working on a new book.
"It's practical magic for beginners. I teach kids how to turn water into wine and how to walk on water and that kind of stuff. Fun for all the family!"