Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: American Idol

Thursday, 14 January 2010

image for American Idol Has Found The Next Kellie Pickler - Vanessa Wolfe
Vanessa Wolfe shown with her pet jackass Mr. Pecker.

ATLANTA - American Idol never fails to deliver. For those individuals who have been wondering who is going to be the next Kellie Pickler, well you can stop wondering.

Simon Cowell and company have found her. She's 19-year-old Tennessee girl Vanessa Wolfe. And she is probably the 'countriest' country girl to ever appear in the shows nine seasons.

Vanessa hails from the little town of Vonore, Tennessee, which is located between the towns of Vulture Spot and South Cracker Lips.

Miss Wolfe showed up at her audition wearing a pink cotton dress that she bought at the local It All Be A Dollar Store. Her hairdo was courtesy of the Atlanta, Georgia wind. Her underwear was borrowed from her brother "Bacon Bit" since her's were hanging out on the clothes line. And the cow-milkin', chicken-feedin', hog-sloppin' gal sang in her bare feet.

When she was asked where her shoes were, she simply replied that she had loant 'em to her cousin Wanda Carleen, because she had to have some shoes since she was going in for a job interview as a chicken plucker at the local Captain Clucky Cluck Cluck Chicken Diner.

Vanessa said that Wanda Carleen had promised she would get her flip-flops back to her before sundown.

For her audition song, she sang the old Loretta Lynn standard "You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man." And let me say that in a hair-pullin', arm-grabbin', butt-stompin' fight there ain't a woman anywhere in America who can take this Tennessee 'tuffy.'

The judges really liked her. Randy even asked her to sing an audition encore song. She sang a song that she said she had written only three days ago out in the family outhouse.

She blushed a bit and said the song was titled, "Well I Sure Nuff Reckon He Took My Crop Rotatin' Blues Smack Dab Plum Away When He Kissed Me On My Semi-Cute Little Cauliflower."

This gal, who loves to jump off of bridges into muddy rivers could easily take on the Plumpish Pride of Kentucky, Wynonna Judd herself, and would easily have wide Wynonna hollerin' uncle, aunt, grandma, and second cousin twice removed - once forcibly, within 35 seconds.

The three regular judges as well as guest judge, the much-tattooed, Mary J. Blige genuinely liked Miss Wolfe and Simon Cowell uncharacteristically howled his approval.

SIDENOTE: Vanessa told Ryan Seacrest that she has never flown on an 'arrowplane' and said that she may just end up driving her grandpa's John Deere Tractor all the way to Hollywood.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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