Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 14 January 2010

image for Nick Jonas Named as the New Spiderman
Oops. Wrong superhero.

Following yesterday's press release in which Tobey Maguire was dropped from the Marvel Comics franchise, Nick Jonas was officially announced as the new Spiderman.

Inking a three picture deal, Jonas and his agent were pleased with the opportunity to finally branch out from his lauded and prolific music career. Normally known for being the young brother in the Jonas Brothers trio, Nick Jonas (17) reportedly showed signs of acting ability in his early teens and had been looking for a Hollywood opportunity.

"Even before Nick knew about the concepts of love and heartache, he displayed the facial expressions and stage ability to make it look like he knew what emotional pain was", says Jonas agent, Tara Buttershoe. "Maybe he was just reacting to the sound of the band, but Nick is so cute, who cares."

Producers know they will have a job on their hands in making Jonas into a believable super hero. "He's a bit scrawny for Spiderman", says Sony Pictures producer Mel Ernoma, "but with computer generated muscles and strategically placed padding in his shirt and jackets, we should be good".

Marketing teams are well on their way to generating buzz about the first Jonas Spiderman film, opening a nationwide casting call for the next "Mary Jane". Similar to the American Idol format, producers will travel from city to city for initial auditions, creating a television show (and a movie promotion) as a by-product.

2,173,775 young women under the age of 15 have already signed up. That was just Texas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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