Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 14 January 2010

image for Vampire Finally Arrives In Whitby - Mocks Twilight Movies
Nosferatu En Route To The Pub - In Whitby.

Renowned Transylvanian vampire, Nosferatu, aka Max Shreck, finally arrived in the Yorkshire port of Whitby last night after an arduous sea crossing on a sailing ship which left the crew dead, and the Captain, also dead, lashed to the wheel.

As assembled reporters looked on in awe, a million black rats emerged from the vessel, swarmed onto the quayside and headed off into town. Nosferatu himself appeared a short time later, to wild applause from some guy named Renfield, who had whiled away the time by eating blowflies.

Nosferatu paused on the gangplank as he disembarked, and waved for photographers. He then denied that he was in the country looking to get an invitation to participate in Celebrity Big Brother, or Strictly Come Dancing.

Holding court in a local pub, Nosferatu claimed that the purpose of his visit was to debunk a number of myths surrounding the vampire legend, singling out Hammer Films' Dracula movies and Hollywood's Twilight series featuring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart for scathing criticism.

"The Dracula movies made by Hammer were crap," Nosferatu told us. "I knew Dracula personally, and he was without doubt the most incompetent vampire I ever came across. He's had more stakes than a bookie's runner.

"This Twilight thing is equally ridiculous. Vampires aren't pretty young things - we're old, ugly, loathesome, and we stink of death and decay. We're not obssessed by drinking blood either, although it is rather nice. I know in my case whenever I encounter a busty virgin with acres of glorious cleavage on show beneath a diaphenous nightgown, there are certain rituals upon which I insist, before I even think about drinking blood."

Nosferatu is scheduled to appear at several large UK venues and has expressed a desire to meet Kerry Katona, who he described as "a very naughty girl."

More vampiric vitriol as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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