Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 13 January 2010

image for Tobey Maguire Ousted as Spiderman
Spiderman gets a new lead actor.

Dropping both Tobey Maguire from the leading role as well as renowned director Sam Raimi from the Spiderman franchise payroll, Sony Pictures will be looking to appeal to a younger audience with their yet-to-be announced choices for lead actor and director.

Insiders at Sony tell reporters that leading role frontrunners include the 17 year old Nick Jonas from the Jonas Brothers Band, and Jonathan Lipnicki (20) from Jerry Maguire fame. "Either would carry broad appeal to the younger audience", says industry analyst Brad Wastington. "They're both a bit scrawny and geeky looking, but thank God for computer generated muscle enhancement, eh?" Wastington admitted to being from Canada.

Maguire (34), didn't seem concerned about the Spiderman job loss, as his agent has been actively pursuing a shift towards another long standing Hollywood storyline. Insiders confirmed just last week that Maguire will indeed be taking over the "Die Hard" leading role from Bruce Willis. Willis (55) was not accessible for comment, while a current keynote speaker at this week's National AARP conference.

Wastington quotes other sources close to the Die Hard franchise, who are inking a two-movie deal with Maguire, with stipulations that Maguire bulk up for the part and spend more time in New Jersey to toughen up his normally unobtrusive speech patterns. Working titles for the new Die Hard films include:

Die Hard Over My Dead Body
Die Hard Tomorrow or Thursday at the Latest

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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