BEVERLY HILLS - Angelina Jolie flew into town to attend The 18th Annual Collagen Lips, Hips, and Tits Seminar and Demonstration Convention. She was asked how many children, biological and adopted, does she now have.
Jolie thought for a second and said that the number is now up to 14, with the latest adoption of little seven week old Chiquitita Jolie-Pitt, who was found abandoned beside a Brazil nut tree in the Amazon jungle.
Angelina was asked how things with her and Brad are going. She grinned and said that everything is fine in spite of the celluloid media which is always trying to cause riffs between them.
She was asked by a reporter for The Malibu Beach Gazing Gazette, Tina Buttersalt, about the rumor that Brad has been receiving emails and text messages from his ex-wife and the woman whom she (Angie) had stolen Brad from, Jennifer Aniston.
Jolie almost swallowed her gum. She looked the reporter right in the eye and told her that she was nothing but a short, fat, ugly, uneducated (blankety) (blankin) (blank) liar, who was only out to stir up some (blankin) shit so her newspaper could sell copies.
Miss Buttersalt told Jolie that she resented her saying that she was uneducated as she had received her degree through the Internet from California's prestigious San Andreas Fault Institute of Medializing.
Buttersalt then asked Jolie about the rumor that was going to be appearing in the next edition of The Left Coast Enquirer (formerly The West Coast Enquirer) regarding a young actress with the initials D.F.
Jolie's mouth dropped open big enough to accommodate a super-sized Costa Rican banana. She turned whiter than Ann Heche, Nicole Kidman, and Marcia Cross.
Angelina decided to tell Buttersalt the truth. She admitted that back in 1993, when she was filming the movie Cyborg 2, in South Dakota, she had an affair with a movie caterer. He gave her all kinds of sweets and goodies and she reciprocated and before she knew it she was pregnant.
When she had the baby she decided to name it after the state where she had been conceived. South Dakota Jolie grew up to be a happy, well-adjusted child, except for her first name South.
Jolie, understanding that the name South was actually a boy's name, paid the $75 to have her first name dropped from all legal documents.
Just before Dakota Jolie's sixth birthday, Angelina left for Zanzibar to film the jungle epic, Tarzan - The Jungle Vine Cuts Just Come With The Territory.
Angelina left little Dakota with her next door neighbor, Millicent Fanning, a 74-year-old glockenspiel teacher.
Millicent was never able to have any children of her own due to the fact that she was missing her two ovaries, her prepuce, her perineum, half of her cervix, and her G-Spot.
Jolie decided to allow Fanning to adopt little Dakota if she promised to never reveal her true identity and the fact that she was little Dakota's biological mother.
Millicent Fanning agreed and she raised Dakota up as her own daughter. But sadly, as so often happens, the stimulus package that she received last year was not enough for her to live on so she decided to sell her story to The Left Coast Enquirer for $27,000.
In other news. The Icelandic version of American Idol has been cancelled after only the first show. It seems that the temperature in Iceland is so cold that the singers just could not seem to keep from having their vocal cords freeze up.