BOSTON - Paula "Touchdown" Abdul apparently forgot that she had been fired several months ago and showed up at American Idol's first audition show of the new season.
American Idol's director Bernie Sinclair saw Paula walk into the hotel where the crew was staying and asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was going to her room so that she could get ready for the show.
Sinclair told her that she had been fired. Paula said that no one had bothered to tell her. He said that it must have slipped her mind like other things in her life, such as her age (47), her true hair color (blonde), and the fact that she cannot hide the cellulite on her thighs by merely spraying them with Off insect repellent like she had done at least three times last year.
Paula asked Sinclair why she had been fired. He told her that the reason was because the shows producers had offered her $10 million and she insisted that she wanted $20 million.
Abdul sat down on the floor and whispered, they offered me $10 million and I said no. What the eff was I thinking. I mean, it's not exactly like my phone was ringing off the wall, or people were lining up to hire me.
Sinclair looked down at her and said, "Exactly."
Paula looked up at Sinclair and asked if it was too late.
He told her that it most definitely was. She then asked him who they had hired to replace her.
He replied Ellen.
"Not Elin Woods."
She was told that it was Ellen DeGeneres. Paula was stunned. I thought I saw her judging on So You Think You Can Dance.
Sinclair said that she was right. She then said that she has her own talk show, she judges on So You Think You Can Dance, and now she will be a judge on American Idol. Dammit when does the bitch find any time to get it on with her wife?
Sinclair told Paula that she was going to have to leave. She refused. He told her that he did not want to have to call security. Sinclair helped her up and she started walking towards the exit.
She said that she missed Ryan (Seacrest), and Randy (Jackson), and Kara (DioGuardi). Sinclair asked her if she missed Simon (Cowell). Eff Simon she hollered, she then said, "That limey ass U.K.er he was always grabbing my thigh underneath the table...during the shows.
Well I finally showed him. During the very last show of last season when Adam Lambert won I decided to give Mr. Cowell a dose of his own medicine. So right before Ryan announced the winner, I reached underneath the table and I grabbed Cowell's pecker and I turned it counterclockwise until I heard him scream underneath his breath. I swear he sounded like that Puerto Rican twat Tatiana De Los Tamales."
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Adam Lambert was not the winner last year. It was...ah...hold on one second, ah...gosh I know it rhymes with fiss...ah yes, Kris Allen. And the Puerto Rican twat's name was Tatiana Del Toro and not Tatiana De Los Tamales.]