Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 11 January 2010

image for Heather Mills Heats Up The Ice Rink On Dancing On Ice
The Ice Panel of judges on the Siberian version of Dancing On Ice.

LONDON - The ex-wife of Paul McCartney, Heather Mills literally burned up the ice rink with her fabulous ice skating.

The 41-year-old native of Aldershot, Hampshire, along with her skating partner Matt Evers really impressed the judges with their nearly flawless skating dance routine.

Karen Barber one of the five-judge Ice Panel members said that Heather's acrobatic technique was one of the best that she has ever seen.

Jason Gardiner agreed and said that her rotating axle really took advantage of the fact that she is very well endowed in the breasticus department.

Nicky Slater seconded Gardiner's remark and added that Heather is a vision of sheer vixenhood the way she manages to call attention to her stunning rumparola while doing her compulsory synchronized circles and titillating trapezoids routine.

Robin Cousins said that he glanced over at host Phillip Schofield and several times he had to stick his tongue back in his mouth.

Cousins remarked that he thought Schofield was going to faint when he saw Heather do her quadruple rotation Luz and finish it off with a camel toe spin culminating in a frozen ice leg split.

And ex-Spice girl Emma Bunton said that looking at Heather she can now see why when Sir Paul was asked what he was going to miss the most about Heather he replied, "Oh that's an easy one. Two things...her left one and her right one."

Even Holly Willoughby said that if she was a man she would ask Heather out on a date in a Manchester minute.

Holly went on to comment that Heather's orange tassled outfit which showed quite an expanse of her cleavage caused Gardiner to yell out take it off, take it off, on two different occasions.

Sinitta was the first ice skater to be eliminated. During her frog lift she accidentally tore her partner Andre Lipanov's trousers nearly exposing his cold wieneriticus.

SIDENOTE: The shows stage hands all got together and unofficially voted Paul McCartney's cousin and Inbetweeners star Emily Atack as the shows most beautiful and sexiest skater along with the skater whose cold rumpus delecti they would all most like to warm up with their kisses.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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