MELBOURNE - X-Factor judge Dannii Minogue and her boyfriend Chris Smith were out in the bush shooting nature photos of the animals of the outback when she was suddenly attacked from the rear by a kangaroo.
Smith said that he was zooming in on a pair of koalas that were in the middle of a mating ritual when he heard a strange sound. He turned and saw that Dannii was face down on the ground and a kangaroo was on top of her licking the back of her neck.
He immediately yelled out for the dastardly creature to stop. Well seeing as how kangaroos do not understand English the pocketed-SOB continued with his licking. Dannii was screaming at the top of her lungs for Chris to get the thing off of her.
Since she could not see it she assumed that it was a wild dingo dog which are noted for attacking females and trying to hump them much in the same way that dogs in America and Britain will sometimes hump a female's leg.
Chris took two more photos and then he put his camera down. He rushed over to where the kangaroo was quasi-mating with his girlfriend and he hit it in the small of its back.
The kangaroo was not phased in the least. He then kicked it in its butt and still the kangaroo continued with his act of breeding.
Finally in a fit of desperation, Chris grabbed an AK47 assault rifle that he carries in his car trunk and he shot the kangaroo.
The kangaroo fell to the side. He tumbled on the ground for a few moments and then amazingly he got up, grabbed Dannii's camera, put it in his pocket, and he hopped away at laser beam speed.
Chris ran to Dannii who was crying and uttering incoherent expletives that Chris admits he had never before heard his girlfriend say.
He asked her if she was alright.
"Am I alright?" She hollered. "I have just been molested by a damn friggin horny kangaroo bastard. And by bastard, I mean the effen kangaroo not you Chris. Of course I'm not alright. Look at me. I've got kangaroo (blank) all over my brand new Louie Vavaloom $900 designer jeans. My freakin hair looks like Russell Brand threw up on it. My nose is full of koala droppings, and I think I just started my flickin period. But other than that Chrissy, I'm just bloomin' thrilled beyond belief to be here."
Chris said that he had shot the briggin. Dannii asked him what the hell a briggin is. He said that it's kind of like a brackle, but only not quite as tall or as docile.
Dannii told him that she did not have time to play effen Jeopardy and told him that they had to get back to town as she was meeting Simon Cowell for dinner to see about her contract for the upcoming season of X-Factor.
Dannii made Chris promise that he would not tell a soul about this embarrassing and unfortunate incident. Hmmmmm.