At a hastily convened press conference here at the Oasis Motel here in Chattanooga (Coo Choo!) celebrity conjoined twins Mary and Terry McBriar, tearfully denied that they had split with their spouses, conjoined twins Buck and Percival Pissgums, stars of Spoof epic pirate saga 'Below Decks.'
"We haven't split with the Pissgums. That's just crazy talk. Press speculation." Mary sobbed.
"And we never hit them upside the head with a nine iron," Terry added.
"They had to leave on some urgent family business. That's all there is to it," - Mary.
"The car wreck was an accident." - Terry.
"There was no other woman involved." - Mary.
"There were dozens of them." - Terry
Speculation was first sparked when the Pissgum twins were found in a car wreck near their Florida home, bleeding from facial injuries in the early hours of Saturday.
"We chased the car because they'd forgotten to take their nine irons along. That's all," Mary explained.
"So we let them have it," Terry smirked. "Full on."
The Pissgum twins were rushed to the ER by paramedics before being transferred to a Hollywood cosmetic surgeon for further treatment.
Allegations that the Pissgum twins had been conspicuously consuming copious amounts of alcohol prior to the accident have yet to be denied.
"Their vehicle hit a fire hydrant, then spun off and hit a tree," Officer Barney Kojak told us. "This is what happens when you try to drive when you're sozzled. Your judgement is seriously slewed."
"This is what happens when you can't keep your trouser snakes under control and you screw every cheap ho you can get your hands on," Terry McBriar scowled.
"This is all very unfortunate," Mary added.
"Unfortunately for them, this is gonna cost 'em big time," Terry chuckled. "Wallets out guys..."
Our man in Hollywood tracked down the conjoined Pissgum twins, who refused to speak directly with us. They did however issue a statement saying that they'd be giving up golf for a while because nine irons were giving them nightmares.
In the furore surrounding the incident, sponsors 'Willie's Wooden Legs Inc' 'Pete's Pirate Parrot Shop' and 'The Scurvy Seadog Liquor Store' announced that they would be severing all ties with the Pissgum twins forthwith, as they projected a negative corporate image.
Admiral of the Spoof Fleet, Mark Lowton announced that he'd be offering the Pissgums twins an enhanced sponsorship deal as they were regarded as a valuable and treasured asset.
More as we get it.