Cherry Hill, NJ - As an unusual wedding gift for her new husband, Kevin Federline, pop-tart Britney Spears purchased Vlasic - the maker of a broad range of pickle products. The move, which has both entertainment and grocery analysts scratching their heads, is said to be the first of many planned by Mr. and Mrs. Federline.
The star, who asked to be referred to as Mrs. Kevin Federline during a conference call with reporters this afternoon, sought to put the purchase in context: "I bought Kevin Vlasic to deal with a really bad childhood problem that I had," explained Mrs. Federline. "When I was a girl growing up, people used to say - ‘oh look, there goes pickle spears' - well no more. Now that I am Mrs. Kevin Federline, there is no way to connect my new name with pickles."
C. Dean Metropoulos, the CEO of Pinnacle Foods - which owns the Vlasic brand, had this to say in a statement to the media: "Vlasic has been an important member of the Pinnacle Foods family. While it is always sad to see a star like the Vlasic stork leave the nest, our other brands - Aunt Jemima, Celeste, Mrs. Paul's and Mrs. Butterworth to name just a few - will soldier on. We are also all happy to know that Mrs. Federline's purchase is fueled by the highest motive - personal satisfaction."
Indeed, the self-important divalette made it clear that this is only the first step in a dramatic reputation rehabilitation planned for the remainder of 2004. "Another thing that really hurts," continued Mrs. Federline on her call "is the fact that ‘Breast' is in Brittany. I don't know how many times I've pointed out that the spelling is different but people continue to make juvenile double-entendres. While I have begged France to rename Brittany, I have come away empty handed. This inexplicable stubbornness on the part of the French leaves me no choice but to change my own first name." Mrs. Federline burst into tears at this point - causing an eighteen minute delay in the conference call.
Regaining her composure, the pop-puffball continued. "I've tried to think of the most appropriate new name for myself," she went on, "and have made my selection. From this point forward, I will be known as Joan. I am now Mrs. Joan Federline. Over the coming months, all of the unsold product bearing the ‘Britney Spears' name will be recalled and revised to reflect my new name. This recall will include recordings, posters, books and magazines, snack-foods, - in short, everything. Remember, from now on ‘Britney Spears' does not exist - she has been reborn as Joan Federline - and don't you forget it." With that, Joan slammed down the phone drawing her shocking press conference to a dramatic conclusion.
Speaking anonymously and on deep background, several fellow celebs applauded Joan's bold moves. "It was genius to get those pickles off the market," said one, "and giving the company to Kevin was pure poetry - each jar is full of the bitter tears of her childhood - and now daddy [Joan's pet name for her husband] can make it all better."
Joan's mother Lynn didn't share this opinion - "I named that little thing Britney when she was nothing but a bitty baby; and her daddy gave her a name she could be proud of. Now she gone and spit on us both - well Mrs. Joan Federline - you can just go to hell!"