Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 4 January 2010

image for The Hurt Locker Wins Another Unnoticed Award
20th Century Artist featured in snooze film.

Mistakenly swapped for a movie title about the life and times of early 20th century painter Seraphine de Senlis, Kathryn Bigelow's "The Hurt Locker" was awarded "Best Picture" by the National Society of Film Critics.

Though the cerebral, lifeless and closeted twits that make up the bulk of the world's moview reviewers do love both films, (Seraphine and the Hurt Locker), the artist's story is destined to be one that draws a box office gross that can only be measured in thousands. This despite early discussion for an Oscar nomination.

Street interviews in New York tended to support that assumption. New Jersey construction worker Jimmy Valenti was stopped for his comments about either film, though he thought we were talking about a place to pick up bandages and ice packs after a bar brawl. "Dis is a movie we're talking about? Hey, I ain't seeing nothing about no artist shit. Blowing shit up? I'm down with that." Comments from other working class average Joes were the same.

Though Seraphine producers were appealing to a more female audience, they had hoped to widen the distribution beyond the 100 theaters they had to beg to carry the film. They were clearly concerned about making money rather than awards. Critics who love the film have a different take. "Awards have nothing to do with general acceptance or popularity of a film. You win an Oscar when we like it, period. The attendance typically follows", says San Francisco Onion editor and nationally famous transvestite performer, Dixie Normous.

Another man interviewed outside one scarce theater where Seraphine was featured tells reporters, "It was like having your gums scraped, but my wife made me go." Producers are hoping, nay banking on the fact that the award nominations will create exactly this burgeoning trend.

"My wife told me we were here to see The Hurt Locker, but switched tickets on me. There's 2 hours of my life I'll never get back."

Men are encouraged to check movie titles as well as ticket stubs on date night.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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