Written by BCBass
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Topics: Celebrities

Thursday, 31 December 2009

WILMINGTON, N.C. (AP) -- The body of an elderly woman in North Carolina remained in her bed for up to eight months even though caretakers paid daily visits to the house and kept it tidy, authorities said Wednesday.

New Hanover County Deputy Charles Smith said caretakers had been going in and out of the house on a daily basis. He would not specify if the caretakers were family members but said they were not nurses. At least four other people also lived in the house, a neighbor said.

"This is a bigger problem than it would seem," Smith commented. "A few years ago, an insurance executive named Bernie Lomax was murdered at his beach house in Rhode Island. For some fucked up reason, two of his employees decided to parade around with his corpse. Took police there a few weeks to figure out the guy was dead. I don't know how you hide a stench like that, but people just don't pay attention these days."

In the wake of the discovery, coroners across the country are sending teams to the homes of Abe Vigoda, Jean Stapleton, Doris Day and Ernest Borgnine.

The careers of Nicholas Cage and Val Kilmer are also being investigated. "Story is, their agents claim to've seen 'em," Smith recounted, "but you just can't tell. In all likelihood, they may have moved on years ago, leaving nothing but the hollow shell of God's faded glory to stink up some real fine Hollywood bungalows."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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