PIMLICO, England - X-Factor winner Joe McElderry was in The Bitter Lime Tree Recording Studio working on his upcoming album when he was asked several personal questions.
The first question was what is the first thing that he looks for in a girl. He smiled and thought for a few moments. He then said that the second thing that he looks for in a girl is a sense of humor.
Joe said that he would love to be with a girl who could make him laugh so hard that he would literally pee in his pants.
He was then asked if he had any hard feeling against the band Rage Against The Machine who ended up having the number one song in England on Christmas Day.
Young Joe said that he did not care one stale crumpet about losing out to the band that has got to be one of the vilest, nastiest, most vulgar bands in the world. He then added that they are even nastier than Snoop Dogg, Kanye West, and Amy Winehouse put together.
McElderry was asked if there was any truth to the rumor that he had told his chauffeur that he had a stupendous crush on Cheryl Cole.
Joe said that he had to confess that yes it is true. He said that ever since the first time that Cheryl hugged him on the X-Factor and he felt her nice, nubile, firm tigbitties (breasticles) rubbing up against his chest he knew right then and there that he had fallen in love.
He confessed that he used to send Cheryl emails that were sprinkled throughout with romantic double entendres and expressive expletives. He said that he would use fictitious names such as My Colder Jeer, Old Mercy Jeer, and Jeer Cry Model, which are all anagrams of his name.
Joe said that at first it was all unrequited admiration. But then one day, after one of the shows, Cheryl invited him to dinner at her house. She said that Ashley was away playing a game out of town.
Joe went over to her house and Cheryl met him at the door dressed in the tightest leotard that he had ever seen. He said that it was so tight that he swears he could see the outline of her G-Spot.
They sat down to dinner and talked about ordinary things such as the English language, the price of petrol, the Katy Perry and Russell Brand romance, labia jewelry, and Queen Elizabeth II's many comical nicknames.
He said that they played footsie and later they played Pictionary. He said that he was really embarrassed at some of the things she was drawing. When asked to elaborate he said that Cheryl drew things like Dannii Minogue's cute little arse, her husband Ashley's belly button, and Simon Cowell's dicky poo.
Joe said that after seeing her draw Simon's thingamabob he asked Cheryl if she thought that he was cute. She grinned and said that she thought he was cute, good-looking, and handsome.
Joe then told her that like all young lads he has fantasized about women ever since he was 14. He remarked that he has fantasized about her ever since he first appeared on X-Factor.
He gently took her hand and he told her that he wanted for her to divorce her husband and marry him.
Cheryl giggled and told him that she was flattered by his nice offer. She then said that she did not blame him one bit seeing as how she has everything that any boy or man would ever want in a woman.
She saw that Joe had become quite disappointed and he told her that he was embarrassed for having asked such a stupid thing.
Cheryl walked up to him, gave him a fabulous hug, and told him that she promised him that if Ashley ever divorced her she would call him up and book the next flight to the romantic Mediterranean Island of Majorca where she would become Mrs. Joe McElderry.
Joe's eyes got as big as ping pong balls. He became so excited that he had to run off to the bathroom.
In other news. Reports coming out of Greenland are stating that Greenland has cancelled their planned invasion of Japan because highly reliable sources informed the prime minister of Greenland that if they invaded Japan they would get their arse's kicked all to hell within 35 minutes at the most.