Chicago, IL - Only days after surprising her studio audience with new cars, Oprah Winfrey again stunned America by ordering the amputation of each audience member's left leg. The procedures, which mercifully were not aired, were performed by sixty teams of surgeons over a twelve hour period. Following the amputations, Winfrey provided each recipient with a wheelchair and a hearty pat on the back.
A tearful Grace Hopper, 54, of Oswego, NY, appeared traumatized by the experience. "I've wanted so bad to be there in Chicago," sobbed Hopper, "and after saving and waiting and waiting and saving, I finally did get there - but now I got no leg. This isn't what I wanted at all." Hopper then broke down and was wheeled away by her daughter Martha who'd traveled to Chicago to retrieve her mother.
"I don't think that Oprah should have done this," said Martha. "I mean, why would she do something so mean? These people did nothing but love, love, love her and this is how she repays them. To me this is just sick."
Celebrity feel-good expert Dr. Laura Schlessinger agrees. "I have been a guest of Oprah's many times," said Dr. Laura, "and never, not once, did she ever exhibit any behavior that let me to believe she was such a dangerous psychopath. This situation - following so closely on the whole Martha Stewart debacle - is going to shake American's trust in our precious celebrity women. That is very, very sad."
The Cook County District Attorney's office issued a statement saying that although it was investigating the mass amputation, it appeared that criminal charges would be unlikely. "Upon examination of the waiver signed by members of Ms. Winfrey's studio audience, it clearly states that said members waive any rights of legal recourse in the case of lost limbs. Clearly, this event was premeditated and Ms. Winfrey took steps to shield herself from its consequences."
Although Oprah herself would not respond to requests for interviews, a spokesperson for the star did release a brief statement. The two line document simply read, "Oprah givith and Oprah taketh away. Suck it up America, no one was complaining about the cars."