ASPEN, Colorado - The star of the top sit-com television show in America, Two And A Half Men, has been arrested and placed in the Pitkin County hoosegow (jail).
Charlie Sheen was arrested by Pitkin County sheriff's deputies after he was spotted stealing snow from a ravine near where his estranged wife Brooke lives.
Sheen who was smoking a cigar that looks like the kind that Rush Limbaugh puts in his mouth was asked why he was stealing the freshly fallen snow.
The 44-year-old actor replied that he didn't really think that it was any of their freakin business. One of the sheriff's deputies Owen Blackwater told Sheen that, that was the wrong answer.
Sheen asked "It is?"
And Officer Blackwater answered that he was off by a country mile.
The other Officer Ty Sunbutter said that he has never liked the fact that Hollywood sissyboys think that they can just waltz into the state and act like they own the place.
Sheen, the son of actor Charlie Sheen informed Sunbutter that he was not a Hollywood sissyboy.
Sunbutter took out a Glock 9 pistol and put the barrel inside Sheen's left ear. He then told Sheen that his little buddy Senor Numero Nueve (Mr. Number Nine) says that he is in fact a Hollywood sissyboy.
Sheen smiled and said that if was okay with them that he would just skip and prance on back to his estranged wife's mountain cabin while singing a Taylor Swift song.
Blackwater told him that it was a little too late for that. Sheen said that the sun was still up and that it really wasn't all that late.
Sunbutter looked at Blackwater and said, "I swear Owen, this fella is not only a Hollywood sissyboy, but he's a Hollywood sissyboy slash smart aleck dumb ass."
Sheen told him that, that was an oxymoron.
Sunbutter drew his pistol and said that no one gets away with calling him an oxy.
Sheen told him that he had not called him an oxy. He informed him that what he had said was an oxymoron which by definition is a rhetorical device in which two seemingly contradictory words are used together for effect.
Sunbutter asked him if he was one of them know-it-all UCLA boys? Sheen replied that he would not really use the term know-it-all, and that he preferred to use the word 'informed.'
Blackwater said that he had heard enough California ramblings and that he was going to take him in for snow stealing. Sheen smiled and said that he could not do that.
Blackwater asked him why not. And Sheen smiling like the Colorado Springs cat that swallowed the Denver canary told him that the evidence against him had all melted.
Sunbutter reached down, scooped up a handful of fresh snow and stuck it inside Sheen's bluejeans. Sheen hollered out that he had illegally planted the evidence on his person.
Blackwater took out his taser gun and zapped Sheen three times, Bzzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzz.
Well needless to say Sheen started jumping around and hopping like a just caught fish on a fishing pier. The new planted evidence had instantly melted, but that was no problem as Officer Sunbutter merely scooped up another handful of snow.
The two officers picked up the Hollywood actor, put him in the squad car, and drove him to jail.
In other news. A camel dealer in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia has discovered a camel with an amazing four humps. Kastifi Doobamecca has been offered as much as 2 million Saudi Arabian sand dollars [$29,000 U.S.] for the four-humped camel but he has turned it down. He says that he plans on putting the camel named Winky on eBay.