VATICAN CITY - A woman wearing a red miniskirt and no bra vaulted over a wooden barrier and tackled Pope Benedict XVI (#16 in your program guide) as he was walking down the aisle at St. Peters Basilica during Christmas Eve Mass.
A Vatican spokesperson Tofu Grisafi said that the unidentified woman is believed to be either Florentina "La Freaky" Filotranno, or Consuelo "Crazy Connie" Saltarello.
Grisafi said that both women have a history of knocking down popes, cardinals, priests, and soccer players.
Last year Filotranno pushed down Cardinal Homer VII at a bingo game at the St. Peter's Basilica Annex. She managed to jump on him and made him yell uncle before two security guards broke her tibia, femur, right elbow, and left labia minora.
Saltarello has a history of mostly assaulting soccer players while they are showering in the dressing room. Saltarello was recently released from jail after serving seven months for fondling one of the players on Italy's National Soccer Team.
The player requested that his name not be used. We will only say that his name rhymes with Xalberto Xpignola number X16.
A woman who was standing just about three feet from where the Pope fell to the basilica floor said she clearly heard the Pope yell in broken Latin, "Ipso veni vidi vici ad hoc facto boof" which roughly translated means, "Hey what the hell is wrong with that dumb stupid bitch."
Another parishioner who gave her name as Sophia Drezzalini-Collingsworth said that she saw three of the Pope's security guards fire at least 29 shots into the unidentified woman.
The Pope was helped to his feet, while the woman was dragged by her ankles to a waiting garbage truck.
Vatican City Police report that they still have to interview several other witnesses and check the perps DNA before they can legally release the woman's name.
Meanwhile in other news. Mrs. Tiger Woods was asked what she wants for Christmas. She replied that she wants a damn divorce and half of the skirt-chasing, donut hole poking punks $684 million.