It's Christmas, and everybody's happy, except Spoof writers and old buggers. One old bugger popped up on British TV today in a broadcast from a care home, moaning about arthritis and how Christmas isn't as good as it was back in the day.
"There's no coal any more," one said. "Apart from Cheryl, and that Ashley who nobody likes."
"I like Cheryl," one old codger protested.
"I wasn't talking to you. Keep your nose out," was the response.
"No coal..." another reminisced.
"There was Nat King Cole," one offered.
"Yeah, but he got sent off against Sheffield United..." one said.
"Has anybody seen me teef?" one wondered.
"They're up me arse," another said.
"Bastard," another curmudgeon muttered. "Up yer arse? I remember you ya fucker. You were a consciencious objector in the last lot. No D-Day for you twat eyes. You was banged up in Strangeways ya yellow backed bastard."
"Is The Wizard Of Oz on the telly?" another drooled. "I likes the Wizard Of Oz, me. I do."
"Eeh that Judy Garland - they had to strap her tits down for that film..." one oldster mumbled.
"Morecambe and Wise," a pipe smoker chipped in. "They were good in their day."
"Oh fuck off," an even older resident said. "They weren't a patch on Flannigan and Allen."
"Tony Hancock, now he was good," one sighed wistfully. "The Blood Donor. A pint? That's nearly an armful. Funny that was."
"Has anybody seen me teef?"
"They're not really up me arse...I've looked."
"You miserable bastard," an old man who vaguely resembles Peter Cook stated. "You filthy fucker. You fucking miserable sinner."
Then the TV crew were forced to step back in shock and awe as the old codgers launched into a rousing rendition of 'Fairy Tale Of New York' by The Pogues and the late, much missed, Kirsty McColl.
Before a massed rendition of 'I've Got You' by the Dooley's.
The DVD of the event will be out in the new year.
More Merry Christmases as we get them.
"My knees hurt," said another