LONDON - X-Factor judge Dannii Minogue revealed to her hairdresser that she is beginning to resent living in Cheryl Cole's nude shadow.
Minogue said that every time she picks up The London Hand-Held Daily Mirror, The Nottingham Messenger, or The Portsmouth Pressed Poster all she sees are nude or naked photos of Cheryl Cole.
Dannii said that greedy little Cheryl has all kinds of products including calendars, perfume, chewing gun, cosmetics, designer bras, cigarettes, vibrators, and even beer; Cheryl Cole Cold Beer.
She went on to say that she she cannot stand Cheryl's husband Ashley, footballer for Chelsea.
When asked why she does not like Ashley she rolls her eyes and says that when she is around him, he gives her the creeps. She noted that he is always giving her the once over and gives her the old up and down stare.
She said that she quietly asked him to please stop doing that and he told her that she should be flattered that he would even look at her. She told him to kiss her boombiddybucky (arse).
He asked "Your what?" and she replied, "My arse (boombiddybucky) you codswalloping tosspot."
Dannii then shook her head and told him that she has no idea what in the world Cheryl sees in him because as far as she is concerned she would much rather look at Louis Walsh, Tony Blair, Osama Bin Laden, or a red-arsed London Zoo chimp for that matter.
She said that Ashley looked at her and vulgarly made a crotch-grabbing gesture and asked her if she wanted a banana.
"Stupid, stupid ponce!" She yelled out.
In a developing story. The BBC is reporting that Clint Eastwood has been signed to star in the leading role in Tico Scallavini's "The Crotchety Len Goodman Story."