Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 21 December 2009

image for Jonas Wedding a Complete White Out
The Jonas Bride.... in White, against a green schrub, before the massive snow fall.

Singer Kevin Jonas wedded hairdresser Danielle Deleasa this weekend on Long Island, during the season's worst winter blizzard. Wedding party and guests were confined to the Oheka Castle estate grounds during the worst of the storm.

Kevin Jonas, a pre-teen musical fan favorite, sells millions of CD's thanks partly to his DNA association to the rest of the Jonas Brothers, but mostly because millions of mommies across America have allowed their children to buy them. The wedding announcement came as a shock to those same pimply faced 12 year old girls who thought Kevin was much younger and single, though shock faded to smiles once the details of the storybook Castle wedding were announced.

Band promoter Bucky Cheatle tells reporters, "All that our Jonas fans need is a little pomp and circumstance mixed with white lace, pixies, unicorns and a brave knight on a white horse, if you get my metaphor."

Indeed. The wedding was planned for exactly that picture perfect effect. White dresses and tuxedos were fitted for the entire wedding party while white horses pulled lace trimmed carriages to the main castle entrance. All decorations were in white, lit only with long tapered white candles. Guests, who were mostly white as well, were asked to wear light colored pastels to help support the overall theme.

"We just weren't expecting the snow to bleach everything out. The photos of the wedding will have to be redone in studio", says Cheatle. "It was a snowball's chance in hell that things would go wrong with the weather, but hey, go figure. I'd hate to be the wedding planner right now."

After the 10th hour of snow bound, white out, Jonas Brothers captivity, several screams could be heard from the castle grounds including "Get me out of here", "Here's Johnny", and a child's voice repeating, "Red Rum".

One guest in a black limousine who looked strangely similar to Dave Chapelle was seen at Throgs Neck Bridge heading back to Manhattan. He was overheard talking to the toll booth attendant, "Man, I've never seen so much white in my life! I felt about as welcome as a mouse pellet in a sugar bowl."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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