Beset by scandal and hounded by the paparazzi, golfer Tiger Woods has announced he is giving up the game to concentrate on his new career, promoting chastity knickers to the upper classes. "I've always acted on impulse, dropping trouser at the slightest excuse" Tiger explained, "but these pants give you pause for thought and make everything extra hard."
Tiger's seamless polycotton undercrackers, marketed under the name "No Nix", have an ingenious lacing system, like trainers, that make it difficult to jettison the jocks or ditch the drawers in a hurry. For a small premium clients can purchase the "Wilt" range, featuring an embossed portrait of Ann Widdecombe. They will only be sold in exclusive outlets to target the discerning consumer.
"I'm looking at the big nobs" Tiger told our reporter. "We're even applying for a royal warrant. My vision is: underwear for the aristocracy, gussets for the cream of society and knickers to the entire Royal Family."
The sportsman added: "I'm through with golf. From now on, my whole life is pants."