Cheryl Cole yesterday displayed a fantastic sense of compassion, as she went along, 'in the nude' to comfort X-Factor champion Joe McElderry, as metal band 'Rage Against The Machine' challenged impressario Simon Cowell's stranglehold on the music business.
"I did gan naked," Mrs Cole told us. "And yes it's true. I did comfort Little Joe while I was nude. We hugged, while I was naked, nude if you will. Burra feel I've been misrepresented here. I mean, I had me clothes on and that, burra diddent have me hair extensions in, sur, I sorta felt naked. Wi' nee hair extensions like. An it's true, ah dee feel nude without 'em, burritz aalll to do wi' me advertising contract wi' the sponsahs. Ah huv ta dee as I'm telt."
"Wor Cheryl's been like a Mam to me and that," McElderry told us. "Although, I feel that I wouldn't hug me mam the same way I hug Cheryl. Me Mam divvent make me willie twitch. I hurrp Ashley divvent read read this. He's that Drogba's buddy and I'm arnly a wee Geordie lad from Sooth Shields. Ah divvent have a death wish."
The whole point of this ruthless expose, is simply to prove the point that Geordies speak a different language from the rest of us. Like, English, but different.
This article remains on hold pending legal action for copyright infringement. Use of the word 'Nude' in news stories is apparently a no-no.
See you when we get there.