PITTSBURGH - Jon Gosselin of the now cancelled Jon and Kate Plus 8, was in town visiting the Heinz Ketchup Corporation where he recently applied for a job in the tomato smashing department.
Jon was asked about his divorce and how he had come out. He shook his head and replied that he had gotten taken to the cleaners.
He stated that "King" Kate got to keep the house, the eight kids, two of the three cars, all her clothes, all the furniture, her underwear, the Britney Spears CD collection, the Wi, the vibrator, and all the money.
When asked what he got, he replied that he got to keep most of his clothes, most of his shoes, two tubes of Rogaine, and all of his underwear.
He added that the judge also told him that he will have to pay monthly child support. Jon said that the judge did not like him because he is Korean.
Jon said that now since he does not have any money all of his girlfriends do not want to have anything to do with him. He said that he went from having a wife and three girlfriends to having no wife and no girlfriends.
He did say that he had received a phone call from Tiger Woods telling him to keep his chin up, his nose clean, and his pecker in his pants.
He then remarked that he should be thankful that he is poor as shit because that way all of his ex-girlfriends won't try to get money out of him like his 12 ex-girlfriends are trying to do from him.
Jon said that he appreciated his words of encouragement. Tiger told him to take care and that he wished him well.
Right before Tiger hung up the phone, Jon asked him if he could possibly have his little black address book since he knew that he certainly would not be using it anymore.
Tiger laughed and told him that he would FedEx it to him in the morning. He also said that he would be sending him a money order for $50 so that he could get a decent haircut.
In other news. Due to the on going economic crisis, the Ku Klux Klan is now actively recruiting and accepting blacks into their previously all 100 percent lily-white organization. National KKK Grand Dragon Wizard Fritz "Corn Dog" Hildebrand said that no one will ever know some of the members are black because every one's head is completely covered by the KKK hood.