Leading British Telecommunications company, BT, today advised customers to only call 999 in cases of genuine emergency, and not to ask for the latest updates on chart topping girl band, the Bonkettes.
A spokesman, who was female judging by the ladybumps on her chest, told us:
"We get at least one 999 call a month asking after the Bonkettes. But we're here for emergencies only. The Bonkettes hardly constitute an emergency. No matter how passionately their fans feel about them."
Famous British Rapper, The Full Inch, aka Finchy, told us through his agent, Max Stiffard:
"Dem Bonkettes is good man. Especially dat Kathy Legover nee Trembler. She got a hot box man innit. But da 999 number is just for emergencies, like what 911 is in America an dat, innit. You shouldn't be using no 999 number unless you bin stabbed or shot or summink. It ain't for the Bonkettes information line. People should be more responsible in dis day an age innit. An dem should be wearin' even bigger woolly hats to show dat dem cool in cold weather. Innit."
The Full Inch's manager, a mysterious Venezuelan revolutionary named Juan, was last seen patting Finchy on the back as he guided his talented protege Kat Frogpond through a packed crowd.
Inside information suggests that this Spoof reporting team's 1000th article will be centred around the Bonkettes at the Hollywood Bowl.
Reclining on a sun lounger on Mulholland Drive, Bonkettes lead vocalista BJ Swallow told us, as she sensuously sipped a pint of Kryptonite through a straw.
"Wow. The 1000th story is gonna be about us? That's just incredible. Can somebody get this Tiger Woods guy out of here? He's drooling all over my crotch and it's not good for my image. The dirty cheating bastard..."
The 1000th story - The Bonkettes At The Hollywood Bowl, with Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray "Achey Bastard Breaky Heart" Cyrus, John Lennon, Freddie Mercury and Marvin Gaye, with a nod to George Harrison and Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison and Cheryl Cole and Jedward (but not Ashley Cole - we don't like him - he plays for Chelski innit) - will probably be out soon.
But don't count on it.
More Fergus McCarthyisms as we get them.