Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 14 December 2009

image for 18-Year-Old Joe McElderry Captures X-Factor's £1 Million First Prize
The microphone that Joe McElderry used and which X-Factor had insured against Kanye West trying to take it away.

LONDON - Joe McElderry, the 18-year-old native of South Shields, Tyne and Wear, England has been crowned the winner of the 2009 edition of X-Factor.

Young Joe was thrilled beyond belief and became even more noticeably thrilled when he received a super tight hug from his mentor Cheryl Cole.

Cheryl was dressed in a huge black evening gown that looked like something out of the Civil War epic movie Gone With The Wind.

The long flowing gown, which would have made any southern belle from Dixie green with envy, was customly designed for the top part to physically push both of Cheryl's fine looking puppies up to where they ended up stopping just short of her chin.

It was absolutely a sight to behold. And husband Ashley is the lucky SOB who gets to be holding those tantalizing, titillating tatas.

Twice the camera panned towards Simon and caught him staring at Cheryl while putting his tongue back in his mouth.

The camera even caught Dannii Minogue putting her tongue back in her mouth one time as well.

Minogue was dressed in a pair of exquisite gold Grecian curtains that had a rather long slit that started at her right ankle, and traveled up her smooth calf, past her knee, beyond her thigh, and ended up pretty damn close to her left labia majora, so to speak.

But hey, enough about labia majora's, puppies, tata's , G-Spots, raging hormones, orgasms, and bikini lines. Lets talk money.

Joe McElderry walked away with 1 million pounds [$1,632,173 U.S.]. Joe was asked what is the first thing he is going to buy and he replied that he wants to buy his mum that singing canary she has been wanting for eight months.

Judge Louis Walsh chidingly hit him up for a loan. And Dannii secretly handed him a piece of paper with her private cell phone number on it. Sadly for Joe, Cheryl saw him take the piece of paper and she took it out of Joe's hand and she tore it up in in eight pieces.

The runner-up, 25-year-old Olly Murs, from Witham, Essex, England was asked by host Dermot O'Leary, 36, how he felt about losing to the much younger Joe McElderry.

Olly smiled and said that he felt like he had just gotten kicked in his arse (ass) by the biggest meanest milk cow in all of the United Kingdom. He added that it felt like he would most probably throw up at any moment.

O'Leary quickly left him and went over to Simon Cowell. He asked Cowell what he thought about the outcome. Cowell remarked that the people got it right.

He then added that the English people always get it right where as the colonists in America have gotten it wrong on American Idol when they picked Kris Allen over Adam Lambert, and Ruben Studdard over Clay Aiken, and Taylor Hicks over Katharine McPhee.

Everyone knows where runners-up Adam Lambert, Clay Aiken, and Katharine McPhee are, but who knows where Kris Allen, Ruben Studdard, and Taylor Hicks are?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I knows. I mean I know. Kris is back in his home state of Arkansas where he is the assistant manager of a Corporal Cletus Chicken Cluck Cluck Restaurant. Ruben Studdard is working as a Wal-Mart greeter in Birmingham, Alabama. And Taylor Hicks is the harmonica player in The Sanjaya Malakar Bombay Boys Band.]

O'Leary asked Dannii what she thought about Joe's performance. She blushed and said that when he sang Journey's song "Don't Stop Believin'" that he had actually given her a fabulously fabulous tingling sensation in the general area of her crotch.

Dermot asked if he could possibly have a look see and Dannii slapped him sending his microphone to the stage floor.

He quickly picked it up and told the studio audience and the viewing audience at home that they had gone over the shows time limit and he regretted to have to say that they would not have time for ex-Beatle Paul McCartney to perform his scheduled songs.

The entire studio audience stood up and began booing and throwing crumpet wrappers, English muffins, and Amy Winehouse CD's up on the stage.

Dermot quickly told the people that he was only kidding and right away he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, and now, here is ¼ of the Beatles, Paul McCartney.

The 89-year-old ex-husband of Heather Mills performed "Drive My Car," "Live And Let Live," "Material Girl," "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)," and "La Bamba."

SIDENOTE: Cheryl Cole was overheard backstage telling Dannii Minogue that she is really going to miss wearing all of those skimpy little miniskirts that showed off her fantastically sexy body. Dannii smiled and replied, "Yeah, me too...ah, but not in a gay way of course.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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