Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 12 December 2009

image for Tiger Woods Life Is In The Sand Trap - He's Placed On Suicidal Watch
Orlando police standing in front of the entrance to Tiger Woods mansion.

ORLANDO - It appears that charter members of The Tiger Woods "Scorecard Club" continue to come out of the woods, the woodwork, and the woodshed.

Tiger Woods personal manager and spokesperson Upton Courtquist has reportedly lost his voice from the hundreds of interviews he has given in the past 48 hours alone.

In the mean time Tiger's attorney Alvin McFlannel has temporarily taken up Courtquist's duties as spokesperson.

McFlannel, who has represented Tiger from the very start of his career says that Mr. Woods is basically in a deep state of depression.

He added that in the past 24 hours all he has eaten is an avocado slice, a Hostess Twinkie (the pastry not the you-know-what) three grapes, a teaspoon of hydrogenated vegetable oil, and two Hot Tamales (the red candy, not two of his scorecard members).

McFlannel has said that his client just cannot believe how so many women, that he treated like queens, could all suddenly and so viciously turn on him.

Mr. Woods has said that he is not Bernard Madoff, or Michael Vick, or Charles Manson, or even Glenn Beck for goodness sakes.

McFlannel has stated that he has hired two private security guards to watch Tiger Woods 24/7. He has instructed them to not let him go near anything sharp, such as a fork, paring knife, sword, machete, or lumberjack saw.

One of the security guards Finley Farrago said that Mr. Woods told him that the way he feels right now, he never wants to get on a golf course again.

He went on to say that if he had known it was all going to get so out of hand, he would have just bought a Playboy Magazine and [PERSONAL PHYSICAL ACT DELETED BY EDITOR].

The guard agreed and told him that with what all of this is going to end up costing him he could have purchased billions and billions and billions of girly magazines.

In related news. Reliable sources are saying that rap singers Kanye West and Chris Brown have sent Tiger Woods an email simply saying: Thank you, thank you, thank you bro.

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