Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Florida, Hurricane

Friday, 3 September 2004

image for FOX Fakes Frances!
Image made for FOX News this past April for use during the upcoming hurricane season

FLORIDA (AP) TV networks are setting up to cover Hurricane Frances as many Florida residents are running away from the upcoming disaster.

Major TV networks are sending in news people and camera crews to catch all the action. CBS is sending its anchor Dan Rather. Network executives are hoping that Hurricane Frances will blow Dan far out into the Atlantic Ocean so that they won't have to honor the remaining time of his expensive contract. Local Army Navy stores are selling lots of flimsy umbrellas and orange ponchos so that every news reporter looks as stupid as possible while holding on to any available railing in the expected 140 mile per hour winds. The network camera crews are already scouting out poorly constructed mobile homes so that they can get their cameras rolling when the high winds lift the shoddy structures off the ground.

FOX News has decided not to send any TV crews to Florida this time. This past spring, FOX contracted with several Hollywood studios to produce realistic looking hurricane disaster scenes. The pre-arranged disaster footage will be ready to air live just as soon as the scenes are updated with dubbed in voices that mention "Hurricane Frances"; in fact several scenes used during Hurricane Charley will be re-cycled again. It seems most TV viewers seem to forget that they've seen the same flimsy mobile home blown away several times-even very recently. Fox will be using the same basic technology that ABC News has used successfully for the past 15 years.

Georgia Pacific reports that the sale of plywood in southern Florida is booming. Very few people seem to understand that the plywood they cut for each window of their mobile home can be re-used the next time a hurricane threatens. Most people seem to prefer fighting the long lines at Home Depot each time a hurricane is forecast to come through their area. It remains a mystery how each homeowner gets that last piece of plywood over the outside of the door before he hides in a clothes closet.

Allstate Insurance Company has been raising rates on homeowner insurance in places as far away as Utah in order to raise enough cash to pay for the many teams of insurance adjusters that will fan out all over Florida after Hurricane Frances passes. The adjusters have been issued orders to reject 97% of all claims. The Allstate adjusters will however distribute millions of "You're in Good Hands with Allstate" bumper stickers, which the company stockpiled before hurricane season.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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