Written by Helen Tarnation
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009

image for Nordegren: I cheated on Tiger -- with Uchitel
Unidentified crotch from Nordegren pool party

In a new twist to the Tiger Woods saga, Elin Nordegren has confessed to cheating on Tiger -- with one of his mistresses, Rachel Uchitel.

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart," said a teary Nordegren. "But I know in my heart that everyone will forgive me, because everyone knows that Lesbians are totally hot, and everyone with eyes to see can tell that Rachel is even hotter than that."

This is not the end of the story, according to neighbors.

"We all know that Tiger was totally hooked on Ambien and Vicodin", said one neighbor, who declined to be identified. "When he was totally zonked, Elin would have these mind-blowing pool parties."

"Sometimes, at these parties, Elin would have nine-way Lesbo sex with Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, Kalika Moquin, Jamie Jungers, Mindy Lawton, Cori Rist, and Holly Sampson", she said.

"It was nine-way because she invited some neighbors, too," the source added.

This 'inside' source offered a new explanation for the car-crash incident that revealed the entire sordid ordeal.

"Elin took videos of her pool parties", according to the source. "Tiger found one of them and flew into a rage, accusing Elin of being unfaithful. He could not bear the thought of his wife 'being with' his mistresses, and totally blew a gasket."

It is rumored that Elin will shortly be selling screen rights for the videos, which she describes as "totally hot, total reality."

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