Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 7 December 2009

image for Kate Gosselin's New Book: The Story of King Kate - The Real Reasons Why I Cannot Get A Date
Kate Gosselin wearing a red bikini thong with one of her Official Jon and Kate Plus 8 48-Hour Pantiliners.

TUCSON - Kate Gosselin of the cancelled reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8 was in town at The Book 'Em Danno Book Store.

She is on her western leg of her book signing tour for her new book, The Story of King Kate - The Real Reasons Why I Cannot Get A Date.

Kate sporting a new hairdo, a new watch, but the same old Gestapo personality was asked if she misses Jon. Kate raised her eyebrows and replied that she missed picking on him because he was such an easy target.

Gosselin said that her soon-to-be ex-husband would hardly ever argue back when she was in an argumentative mood. She says that she misses not be able to call him a stupid K*****, or a dumb K*****, or even her favorite a short little K*****.

When asked if there is a new man in her life she responds by saying that the inflatable Latin Lover doll she bought at a flea market in Pomona, California is all the man she needs.

She shook her head and said that with all of the recent talk about Tiger Woods and his indiscretions, transgressions, and dicgressions she wants nothing to do with anything that has a penis.

The attractive mother of eight was asked about her new line of pantiliners that will be coming out after the first of the year. Kate beams with pride as she says that she is so proud of her Official Jon and Kate Plus 8 48-Hour Pantiliners.

She said that she actually sat down at her house one day when all eight kids were taking a nap and actually designed the intimate feminine product herself using cotton balls, Gorilla Glue, strips of Velcro, and vinegar.

Kate was quick to point out that the only reason that Jon's name is on the product label is because the company insisted that it would help increase sales.

Gosselin said that her personal choice for the product's name was Kate's Sticky Wicky Panties Crotch Inserts.

She added that one of the corporate attorneys informed her that there was already a product with a similar name on the market called Kathy's Sticky Picky Panties Groin Grabber Inserts.

Kate was asked what she misses most about no longer doing the show. She answers instantly, "The unbelievable $75,000 per show that they were paying us!"

When Kate was asked what are the reasons that she says she cannot get a date she smiles and says "You'll just have to buy the book."

In unrelated news. Reports coming out of Botswana are still somewhat sketchy, but local natives are reporting that an anaconda snake has just swallowed a 32-passenger tour bus.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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