(Defecated News) Weeks of tabloid headlines have speculated as to whether Simon Cowell had waxed his chest, or perhaps shaved his knuckles, and even suggestions that he had bleached his shithole. All were shown to be true. But as a total surprise, Popmaster Flash himself Simon Cowell has admitted to having the fat sucked out of his wobbly knockers, and chunks of boobie tissue removed by surgery.
Further more, Cowell had also undergone nipple enlargement, testicular reshaping and had his cheesy helmet 'botoxed'.
It would appear that since becoming single last year, and turning fifty this year, Mr Cowell has entered a form of late midlife crisis.
Recent footage on The X Factor showed Cowell wearing fluffy jumpers and doing his hair like an old man.
In a more positive turn of events, he has secured lucrative deals for product endorsement for products such as Stannah Stairlifts, Zimmer Frames, and Viagra.