The George Mitchell Report on major league baseball players has caught a strange fish in it's net. Former Kiss star, Gene Simmons, has been using steroids on his tongue.
"How we got Simmons piss samples mixed in with all the others, I don't know. There are three others on the list as "Unknown" and we suspect that the band had done a concert at one stadium when the samples were taken and that it's from other members of the band or stage hands. They were probably there doing a performance at one time or another."
The report did not reveal how the tests were secretly done as it would tip off future surprise "Road Blocks" that they hope to use.
The report says that at least 25% of major league baseball players had taken something at one time or another.
"If you ask me, Barry Bonds should be in the Hall of Fame at Cooperstown", stated a worker involved in gathering the tests. "He may be ballooned up on steroids but so were a lot of those 50-year-old pitchers."
Back to Simmons, the report stated that the police had an old report and part of Simmon's tongue where they had freed him from sticking it to a frozen metal post on a dare.
Simmons had always credited his extra-long tongue to that very incident. But it apparently had some help later on.
"He'd liked for the ladies to swoon at his tongue the way they did at Elvis' pelvis", stated an old friend of Simmons. "There were groupies everywhere he went, but 25 to 50-year-old women instead of teenagers."