Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 3 December 2009

image for Four Out Of Five Spoof Writers Admit That They Type Stories In Their Pajamas
Lowton, trying to bribe female writers for a mustache ride with a beer and a colorful present

In his annual December poll of Spoof writers, editor and site owner Mark Lowton discovered some strange and depressing facts.

Polls were sent out in mid-November, with answers to be submitted by December 1 so that they could be tabulated and have the hanging chads evaluated. This was done by Price-Waterhouse, the same group that counts the Avademy Award votes.

Lowton disclosed the following information about the humorists and wannabees on his website in his yearly summary to the board of directors:

  • 80% of all stories are written by writers in their underwear or pajamas. The other 20% are naked.
  • While flipping through the website, 77% of the male writers have one hand on their genitals while the other hand is on their mouse (the slightly higher number of female writers obviously have both hands on a mouse).
  • Duncan Whitehead and Monkey Woods account for 23% of all of the 487 writers currently working at the site.
  • Alchohol is the favorite snack, food, dessert, candy, vegetable, beverage, main dish, and medication of 73% of the writers.
  • Turd stories are down 87% this year, as are stories about Britney Spears' vagina. Their places have been taken by stories about Bargis Tryhol's penis, Barack Obama's birth certificate, and Susan Boyle's vagina.
  • 36% of Spoofers still mistakingly believe that Queen Mudder is a man and that Chamone is a woman.
  • 94% of all new writers (250 stories or less) still believe in a conspiracy to keep them out of the top ten by "The Top Writers."
  • 57% of the writers lost their ass virginity on the Good Ship Buggerall
  • None of the female writers (0%) have ever been tempted to give Mark Lowton a mustache ride (even with his offer of extra points), but 8% of the male writers dream of it.
  • 91% of all of the male writers wish that they had Texas size penises and could use the Goodyear blimp as a condom and are jealous of Jalapenoman, Abel Rodriguez, Tragic Rabbit, and Cal Jennings for their anatomy.

In response to the last item, female Dallas area Spoofer Madame Bitters said "Why do you think I live here? Everything really is bigger in Texas."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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