ORLANDO, Florida - The Tiger Woods saga continues to grow. Media reports now state that nine different women have come forward claiming that they had an affair with Eldrick Tont Woods, alias "El Tiger" Woods.
One of the women is a policewoman who works for the Oklahoma City Police Department. Pandora Weathermay, 28, a strikingly attractive Keira Knightley lookalike (except with boobs).
Weathermay said that she first met Woods when she was assigned to guard him during The Annual Conestoga Wagon Days Golf Tournament in Okalahma City in June of 2008.
She said that when she was driving him around in her police car, he asked her is he could touch her siren. She says she misunderstood him and replied that she would be thrilled for him to touch her woo-woo.
Another girl who has come forward is 22-year-old Rosario Gaviota, (42-22-36), who works as a pole dancer in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Rosario said she was working one night at The Golden Pole Lounge when Tiger walked in. He took a seat in the back and then moved up to the front.
Rosario said that she was dancing to the AC-DC song "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" when she noticed that Tiger was singing along. After the song he invited her to join him for a drink.
She said that he talked about golf. He mentioned balls, putters, sand traps, pubic hair, and dirty deeds done dirt cheap.
Rosario said that Woods also showed her pictures of his Cadillac Escalade SUV, which is the one that he wrecked.
She said that "El Tigre," as the Guadalajara, Mexico, born dancer called him, said that she could sit on his lap while they drove around seeing the sites of Albuquerque.
She also added that as they drove around the town he was making off-color jokes about Wanda Sykes, Whoopi Goldberg, Queen Latifah, and Oprah Winfrey.
She asked him why he was cutting down those women. He replied because they have always made fun of him. He said that Wanda told him that he is no athlete.
He then said that Whoopi had said that golf ain't no sport. It's more like a fancy-ass office coffee break for rich mother F'ers.
And the Queen said that golfers are basically crybabies because before they hit the ball everyone has to be totally quiet. She said that when Hank Aaron was chasing Babe Ruth's homerun title crackers in the stands were hollering every damn curse word known to man.
And Oprah added that basketball players get yelled at by fans who holler out every derogatory remark ever written.
The goddess of daytime TV said, "So, doncha try to be's tellin' dis big old fat-bottomed beeach that golf is a sport. It ain't, it's nothing but da male version of female shoppin'."
Reports coming out of Hollywood are saying that the nation's number one socialite Paris Hilton is reportedly upset because she has hardly seen herself on TV lately. She told one of her best friends that she guesses she will just have to say something stupid to get back on television.
[WRITER'S NOTE: That should not be a problem.]
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Ditto, dat, I mean that.]