Spoof writer, Monkey Woods, Tiger's cousin told me that the golfing superstar billionaire had called him on the phone to say that he was on the mend.
Some reporters had suggested that the golfing chappie received a good twatting by an angry wife, Elin Nordingren,29, with two golf clubs, after she bent the first one, a sand wedge, on his face.
Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant, and then a tree outside his Florida home. Cops are anxious to speak with Tiger Woods as they suspect he may have been subjected to an assault because he could possibly have been canoodling with socialite Rachel Utichel,34.
Tiger Woods' wife is Swedish, and them Swedes don't take no prisoners, so cops suspect that Elin Nordegren could possibly have whaled the crap out of her superstar husband with a sand wedge and a putter.
Tiger Woods refused to discuss the issue with the Florida cops, but he did allegedly tell his cousin, Spoof reporter Monkey Woods that he was pretty much on the mend. He also claimed that his wife was only trying to help him out and possibly 'slipped' with the golf clubs.
We managed to speak to the "other woman" at the centre of the Great Tiger Woods Mystery, busty socialite with muscular thighs, Rachel Utichel, 34, and she just denied all knowledge.
"This is horrible!" she told us. "You're horrible. I'm not even a friend of Tiger Woods! This whole thing is horrible! How horrible for the Tiger Woods family! And it's horrible that Monkey Woods should be dragged into this too! Horrible! It's all horrible! Getting twatted with a sand wedge and a putter, that's just horrible! Crashing into a fire hydrant and a tree is just horrible! The Spoof is just horrible too! Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh! HORRIBLE!"
More anus horribilis as we get it.