(Defecated News) Troubled pop queen Cheryl Cole was arrested last week outside South Shields' Lidl Supermarket.
The pint-sized diva, known for her pert nipples and inability to sing live had been reported to police by the store. Head of Lidl security, George Agdgdgwengo told us,
"Eet was kwaat a saat, I tell you. Mah colleague, found haah, in the fresh vegetable sekshee-on, insaating a cucumber into her flanjita"
CCTV has confirmed Mr Agdgdgwengo's statement, and Ms Cole was taken away on an unmarked car to South Shields Police Station. Arresting officer, Sgt Peppa told us today. "We have in custody a female in her twenties who was arrested for lewd behaviour. We cannot disclose her identity for legal reasons, but she can't sing, and is partial to punching black women in nightclubs"
Cole was later charged with lewd behaviour and refusing arrest. The vegetable in question has not been found, although Mr Agdgdgwengo has admitted to eating cucumber sandwiches daily since the event.
She is due to stand trial next week.