Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart faced the press today in the State Function Room of the Dunbonkin Hotel on New York City's fashionable Fifth Avenue in order to quell a constant stream of outrageous innuendo and ill informed speculation.
Sick and tired of all the stupid rumours surrounding them since the release of the 'New Moon' movie, Pattinson and Stewart, looking tired and a little drained, faced the press pack.
Responding to questions pitched from the floor, Pattinson told me:
"I did not propose to Susan Boyle. We are not about to tie the knot. I have never kissed Susan Boyle. Hell, I've never even met Susan Boyle."
"That's just preposterous," Kristen Stewart added. "It's just crazy. I know how Rob is feeling right now. I've been accused of having a full on lesbian relationship with Katie Price, I've been accused of harrassing badgers in the UK, and I've even been linked romantically with Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian President. This whole thing is just too ridiculous for words."
"Yeah, she's right," Pattinson said. "It was reported in one newspaper that I was caught by police officers covering myself in farmyard slurry and masturbating. In the UK. On a farm in Cornwall. It's just nonsensical. I haven't even been back to the UK in months."
Kristen Stewart then went on to deny any connection with UK pop paedophile Gary Glitter, the council gritter.
"Jeeze, I never even heard of Gary Glitter," she announced. "And he certainly never took me up the shitter. No matter what he says. He's just a lying bastard."
"And I can hereby state," Pattinson concluded. "Without hesitation, secure in the knowledge that I speak the truth, that I categorically did NOT fuck the Queen of England up the ass while Prince Philip looked on, wanking into a wellington boot."
The Twilight/New Moon stars then concluded the session by signing photographs which will be sold on E-bay.
More superstar related silliness as we get it.
With a nod to Jimbo Gunn for the slurry story.