Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 28 November 2009

image for Tiger Woods Says He's A Victim Of Road Rage
Six of the nine golf balls that Tiger Woods threw at a squirrel trying to get it off of the hood of his Cadillac SUV.

ORLANDO, Florida - The world's greatest golfer Eldrick Tont Woods, better known as Tiger Woods has been injured in a one car road rage accident.

Tiger Woods received cuts to his face, both his golfing hands, his golfing knees, and his golfing lips.

The accident surprising occurred in Tiger's driveway. Although there were no eye-witnesses to the incident which occurred at 2:25 a.m. (Eastern Standard Time), 1:25 a.m. (Central Standard Time), and 11:25 p.m. (Pacific Standard Time) it was captured on Tiger's state-of-the-art video and audio security system.

The fantastic video and audio security system which retails at Best Buy for $18,987.91 managed to capture everything.

At 2:21 a.m. a pajama clad Woods is shown walking towards his 2010 Cadillac SUV which is parked in his driveway. It appears that he is arguing with himself because the audio picks up the words stupid crazy black (blank).

At 2:22, he opens the car door, after three tries he manages to get in, but unfortunately he gets into the passenger side. After about 35 seconds he exits the passenger side and walks around and gets into the driver side.

Tiger is heard saying "Okay, now that's much effen better."

He fumbles with the seat belt and is heard muttering something that sounds like it could be either this damn seat belt is defective, or I am so hungry for a damn chicken salad sandwich right now.

At 2:23, he takes a CD and puts it into his CD player. The song starts playing. Tiger is heard clearly saying, "Damn, I hate that song.

I cannot stand that little low-life, microphone snatching little beeatch Kanye (West). The little shit-ass has all but disappeared and meanwhile little Taylor Swift has gone on to win about 187 awards including most photogenic, the cutest little ass, and a Nobel Prize for bringing world peace to Kentucky, Tennessee, and parts of West Virginia.

The video next shows Tiger starting his car. He puts it in drive and starts moving. He appears to be going quite fast. Through time lapse photography and some chemical DNA electronic additives, it is determined that his car had reached a speed of 33 mph, while still in his driveway.

At 2:24, Tiger Woods notices that there is a squirrel sitting on the hood of his car. The squirrel is eating what appears to be either an acorn, a cashew nut, or a Milk Dud.

Tiger sticks his head out the window and yells out to the squirrel, "Hey mother F'er get your little punk-ass butt off my expensive as hell Cadillac SUV, you little Danny Devito-looking furry piece of pumpkin pie shit."

The video clearly shows the squirrel sticking his tongue out at Tiger (honest). Tiger takes out a #3 iron and throws it at the squirrel. The squirrel ducks and the #3 iron hits the hood ornament completely knocking it off the car.

Tiger then reaches for some golf balls. He throws about nine of them and the little athletic squirrel dodges each one.

Woods now starts cussing in what appears to be either Swahili, Norwegian, Wasabi, or English Cockney.

Tiger then hits the windshield wiper fluid button and sprays his windshield and turns on the windshield wipers.

The little squirrel gets all wet. It pisses the little fella off like hell. He comes up to the windshield, and timing the windshield wipers just right manages to take a shit on the windshield. The little dude is good...damn good!

Tiger throws his hands up in the air. He hits the brakes and the car spins out of control. It hits a bird bath and flips over. Tiger gets knocked out.

The little squirrel had somehow landed in the bird bath and was fine (writer's license) and he got even wetter than he already was.

He sees that Tiger is in bad shape. He scampers back to the house. He gets to the front porch and taps on the door with his right front paw. He realizes that no one is going to hear a knock from the right front paw of a little squirrel.

He then jumps up and on the fourth try he is able to ring the doorbell. Lights go on all over the house and Tiger's gorgeous wife, Elin comes out. She is dressed in a sexy black see-thru baby-doll gown with matching black string bikini thongs.

She sees her husband's car lying upside down in the driveway and she immediately runs over there. On her way to to the car she steps on something and almost trips. It turns out to be Milk Dud.

When she reaches her husband he is laying there motionless. She instantly calls 911 and the ambulance arrives within 57 seconds. It seems that the ambulance crew was out getting two White Mocha Non-Fat Soy Lattes to go at a nearby Starbucks.

They loaded Tiger in the ambulance and took him to the hospital. Mrs. Woods walked back to the house to see about her little girl. As she got to the porch she looked down and she noticed a little squirrel.

Elin could not believe her eyes. As she bent down to take a closer look, she saw the little squirrel had tears in its eyes.

She blinked her eyes and noticed that the little squirrel had put its little paws together and was praying.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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