DUBUQUE, Iowa - Richard Simmons and Clay Aiken were this year's Co-Grand Marshals of The 69th Annual Dubuque Corncob Cornalicious Parade which each Thanksgiving Day draws people from as far away as Strawberry Point and Zwingle.
This years secondary theme was the extremely controversial Midwestern topic of "Don't Ask Don't Tell Or Else We'll Shun Your Gay Wazoo."
The parade director Maddox Ampersand, 64, said that he has lived in Dubuque all of his life and he has never experienced such animosity, anger, and downright hatred for a secondary theme as he has this year.
Ampersand (pronounced '&') said that not even the controversy over having the Dixie Chicks march in the parade a few years ago caused the big brouhaha that this years theme has caused.
He added that it's one thing to burn Dixie Chicks CDs on main street but it is totally something else to burn life-size dolls of Rosie O'Donnell, Wanda Sykes, and Ellen DeGeneres at the local Jack-in-The-Box drive-thru lane.
Clay Aiken was asked by TV Station KORN's Pixie Sue Van Pinkle what he thought about fellow-gay guy Adam Lambert's orgyesque performance on the American Music Award show.
Aiken blushed and said that it was totally disgusting. He added that he sat there embarrassingly watching that sensuously exotic display of runaway sexuality and blatant eroticism that is best reserved for one's own bedroom, or at the very least some seedy West Hollywood Gay Club.
When asked why he watched if it was so offensive. He smiled and said that his BFF [NAME DELTED BY EDITOR] would not give him the remote control and told him that if he dared change the channel he would walk out the door and never touch him on his (blank) again.
Aiken added that Lambert is just way too gay.
Richard Simmons was asked about Lambert's AMA performance. Richard replied that he had not seen it because he was outside in his backyard play nude leap frog with his hair stylist Mr. FuFiFu.
In a related story. Ex-wrestler Hulk Hogan is reportedly so desperate for money because of his costly divorce that he has agreed to play the lead in the motion picture 'Richard Simmons - The Feminine Years.'