Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 24 November 2009

image for Dancing With The Stars: Mya's The Favorite, Osmond and Osbourne Are The Underdogs
Mya shown backstage getting ready for The Dancing With The Stars finale. (Photo courtesy of George Hamilton).

HOLLYWOOD - The sleek, svelte, and sultry Mya is the odds-on-favorite to win Dancing With The Stars coveted Mirror Ball Trophy.

But also with their eyes set on the Top Prize are Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's little girl Kelly and Marie Osmond's older brother Donny.

The race has finally come down to the three top 'horses' and each one is different in their own special way.

Mya is the young sassy filly who can run like the wind. Kelly is the reliable young mare who has the determination rarely found in someone so young, and Donny is the old stallion, who has to work harder, but who has the heart of two Clydesdale's.

Judge Len Goodman said that it is a shame the Mirror Ball Trophy cannot be cut into three equal pieces.

Bruno "The Non-Italian Stallion" said that all three contestants are three of the best he has ever seen, including Stacy Keibler who had long, lovely luscious legs that started at her sexy ankles and managed to work themselves all the way up to her Y...WCA.

And Carrie Ann Inaba remarked that she truly admires Donny for his ability to sweat like the dickens and hardly show any perspiration at all.

Osmond said that it's all done with mirrors and smoke, and three strategically placed handkerchiefs, one of which he revealed for the first time he keeps in his dance partner Kym Johnson's ample cleavage.

Goodman, the 99-year-old English geezer said that Donny puts the 'Ah' in Cha Cha Cha, the 'Tang' in Tango, and the 'Rum' in Rumba.

Bruno laughed and said that he likes Donny and that if Donny was not married and if he (Bruno) was a girl he would want for Donny to sweep him off of his feet and carry him off to the Mountains of Utah, where they could dance every night after dinner and then produce more Osmond babies to add to the Osmond family which already numbers close to 2,000.

Carrie Ann Inaba leaned over and told Bruno that was "TMI."

Bruno shot back for her to take the "TMI" and stick it in a place where it will make her eyes bulge out like ping pong balls.

Host Tom Bergeron jumped in and said, "And on that visual note we will go to a commercial."

When they returned Len and Bruno were laughing and Carrie Ann Inaba was crying. Bergeron explained that Miss Inaba was crying because she realizes that she is 41-years-old and she does not have a boyfriend, not even one from China, Korea, Guam, or San Francisco.

She said that it hurts. She noted that she isn't really that bad, other than the fact that she is always jumping on the celebrities and their professional partners because they did an 'illegal leg lift.'

Bruno told her that her incessant complaining about the dancer's 'illegal leg lifts' is the reason that no man wants to 'lift' her leg, or for that matter her dress.

Carrie Ann looked at Bruno and asked, "Really Bruno?"

And Bruno replied that all she has to do is look at past contestants who did 'illegal leg lifts' such as Holly Madison, Stacy Keibler, Melissa Rycroft, and Joanna Krupa.

He added that everyone of those women have more men than you can shake a stick at, especially Stacy Keibler whose legs start in Las Vegas and end up just outside of Reno.

Carrie Ann smiled and thanked Bruno. She said she would try it. Bruno in an effort to cheer her up told her that he heard through the 'jungle vine' that Jackie Chan and Yao Ming, both think that she is one hot little Oriental dish.

He laughed and said that Chan referred to her as 'Stir Fried Inaba.'

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Bruno Tonioli said 'jungle vine' but he actually meant to say 'grape vine.' And the ironic part about that is that the native of Italy, according to Larry King, was actually born in one of the oldest grape vineyards in Italy located just outside of Salerno.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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