Written by Roy Turse
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Friday, 20 November 2009

image for Jedward do Wham! It's like having two Andrew Ridgeleys.
Louis Walsh is determined his act will win

Poor old J- and -edward, they can't do a thing right. Just because they aren't the best singers in the X-Factor finals doesn't mean they can't entertain us! Actually, the reason they can't entertain us is because they aren't the best entertainers in the finals either.

Maybe I'm being unfair. They try hard. They dance and rap and sing one-and-a-half-part harmonies. And it's hard to make yourself heard when the backing tape is that loud. But they seem to enjoy themselves, and they keep coming back for more. And the audience keeps coming back for more too, so everyone is happy, especially Mr Cowell. Don't tell me the results are fixed - it's just that John and Edward get marked by the judges on a sliding scale. Similar to the one they sing to.

They may look like Harry Enfield's Double-Take Brothers, but they still command a huge following from the teenage girls and soppy mums brigade. Add to that the George Michael Wham! factor and I think we can expect a few more soppy mums to vote for them this weekend. Oh, and Gordon Brown says he thinks they're very good.

OK, so they probably won't win in the end. By the time the votes for 'male singer' and 'female singer' have been concentrated down on to the last few finalists there won't be many left for 'quirky group'. Still, they've probably done enough to get a recording deal, although obviously they won't be allowed to release anything before Christmas to compete with the shoe-in X-Factor Number One.

Maybe in March we'll see some kind of novelty cover version of a classic rock number - think Rolf doing Stairway to Heaven - and we'll get Jedward mania all over again. And don't rule out the John and Edward promo video starring BGT finalists Stavros Flatley as backing dancers. Oh, the Jedward stage is coming on over the hill . . .

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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