BEVERLY HILLS - Hugh Hefner, the chief creative officer of Playboy Enterprises threw an $800,000 sit down dinner at his Playboy Mansion in honor of the stars of The Twilight Saga: New Moon Robert Pattinson and Kirsten Stewart.
The 20 guests were treated to Lobster Newburg imported from The Coral Sea off the coast of New Guinea. They also feasted on Alaskan King Crab which had been flown in directly from the Aleutian Islands in Alaska and Chicken Chimichangas which were bussed in from Don Domingo's Chimichangas 'R' Us Diner located on Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula.
Music was provided by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young who performed Hefner's all-time favorite song "Our House."
The Southern California-based quartet also thrilled the crowd with their hits "Cowgirl In The Sandwich," "Suite: Judy Bit Tits," "Woodpecker," "Find The Cost Of Free Coupons," "Our Bong," "Ohio," and "Oregon."
They were asked to do their hit "Long Time Gone" but David Crosby said that it has been a long time since they've done it and the chords and lyrics are gone.
Louisiana stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree provided the evening's humor.
He told the assembled guests that he doesn't want to give away Mr. Hefner's age, but the wrinkled old stud has been surrounded by the most beautiful, sexiest, most sensuously erotic women for the past 92 years.
Zy, as his ex-girlfriend Vi called him, said that he doesn't want to say that Hef is old, but he got his first kiss from Betsy Ross.
He got his first hickey from Dolly Madison, and he hit his first "Home Run" with Mrs. Daniel Boone, while her husband Danny was out supposedly blazing a trial or something.
Dupree said that a lot of people do not know this, but Mr. Hefner is a very slender man. He only weighs 114 pounds...and 97 pounds of that is smile alone.
Zy pointed out that the Hefster has to be the only man in America who has towels on his bathroom towel rack that read His and Hers, and Hers, and Hers, and Hers, and Hers. [And that sports fans takes care of the redundancy factor quota for the evening].
Zydeco said that as filthy rich as Mr. Hefner is, he still has a regular birthday cake, with regular frosting, and regular candles, except for the fact that the candles just all happen to be 24 karat gold plated little bastards.
And the ever-so-proper Mr. H does not refer to his toilets as toilets or as even commodes. He prefers the more refined name...Playboy Bunny Gluteus Maximus Resters.
Zydeco said that walking around the Playboy Mansion is an experience unto its own. He not only saw photographs and paintings of ex-Playboy playmates, but he actually saw life size sculptures of past Playboy icons such as Barbi Benton, Sondra Theodore, Shannon Tweed, and Brande Roderick.
Dupree said that as he was talking to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson the three could not help but notice that in what is known as The Hefmeister's Playboy Memorabilia Room they saw a gigantic glass casing.
They went up to it and saw that the casing contained an autographed 40-DDD bra that was given to Mr. Hefner by Dolly Parton.
The writing on the bra said: To Heffy, When you look at my big old bra, think of me and try not to laugh. And don't forget that the only reason I let you pet my puppies was because you promised not to tell. I'm a little old Southern gal and I trust you. Love, DDDolly.
Another underwear item that was encased in a glass container was a pair of size 5 string bikini thong panties that belonged to Paula Abdul.
The writing on these little bitty pink bikinis said: Sorry Hef, but there does not appear to be enough room on these little babies to write shit. Think about my [BODY PART DELETED BY EDITOR] when you look at these. Love and kisses and some tongue, Paulita.
Kristen and Robert were soon driven back to their hotel. Before they left Hefner told them that he hopes that their movie is a big success and told them that he is going to personally buy about 200 copies to give away as stocking stuffers for Christmas.