Written by Rodd Justice
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Friday, 5 April 2002

She was a non-black Oscar nominee with the quiet sophistication of a 1920s porn film. He was a disgusting child molester with an even more disgusting array of party tunes. Yet romance blossomed between this, the oddest of couples, despite the personal tragedies that would come between them.

Jonathan King talks exclusively to TheSpoof.com to discuss his relationship with Dame Judi 'Not Wench' Dench.

It was the late-1980s. "Crocodile Dundee II" had us rolling in the aisles, Nike Air Jordans were responsible for the destruction of a record number of Indonesian childhoods, and flesh-eating diseases were all the rage in the supermodel fraternity. King was organising an NSPCC sing-a-long competition, when he first met Judi Dench.

"My immediate thoughts were 'wowee zowee! It's an old woman with a boy's head - I'm in luck'." said King, from inside Beelzebub's home of the Earthly damned (medium security).

Using his famed verb-power, and flickering that quivering wacky-lip, he pulled. Although, snogging was a bit of a problem for the noncey-DJ, partly because of his goofy lip, but mainly because of his lack of experience. "'Not the face' had been my catch-phrase in those situations up to that point."

Dame Judi took King under her wing, teaching him the art of socially acceptable romance. "Judi showed me how I could find love with women. Before then, I'd just have a different blonde every single night. I thought I was having a great time, but Judi showed me true happiness and I realised that noncing was not the best thing for me. Recent prison paedo-bashings have underlined that point."

However, the whirlwind romance failed after the old hag found out about King's friendship with a Hertfordshire village midget who worked as caretaker at a St.Albans school. "A silly misunderstanding. It ruined everything, I lost her trust?and then she went off with him."

"Him" referring to BBC newsman Peter Sissons. His eloquent word-skills and tap-dancing abilities wowed the Dame, who was in need of love. Sissons obliged, and taught her to laugh again with his "crazy raps".

Today, King puts things into perspective, "it wasn't meant to be." A true beauty and the beast story, but this time the beast was punished for the kiddie-sex.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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