Written by Ulver
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Topics: X-Factor, Jedward

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

image for Jedward in "Milli Vanilli" scam shock
Is it on, off or has it just been up Jedward's arse ?

If you, like many thousands of other mentally retarded TV viewers thought that Scrotal lesions John and Edward gave their best performance "ever" on last Saturday's fi-X Factor, then stand by to be SHOCKED to your very core.

It may not have been them screeching their way through a bastardisation of the Queen and David Bowie classic "Under Pressure".

The "talent" contest has been accused of drowning out the vile abortions' vocals and replacing them with pre-recorded backing tracks in an effort to make them appear to have even a modicum of talent.

A mole within the murky world of ITV claims that they've been instructed to turn the twins' microphones down to mask their atrocious singing and thus keep them in the competition.

A worker on the show told the Monthly Cycle's Cressida Flange-Plate: "It is totally outrageous. It is blatant cheating. The only time the sound levels on the microphones were turned up was when they were rapping and even that was worse than boiling diahorrhea strained through a sieve into your ears."

A fi-X Factor spokesperson has admitted that all acts are actually "f*cking shite" and have to be given "technical support".

However Mr X our disgruntled show mole, who is literally a talking mole, said Jedward were helped to a "ridiculous level". He went on: "It makes me physically sick that we are part of this gross manipulation of the mentally retarded viewers of this show."

We have to wonder though if they sound so f*cking awful when their microphones are turned down, then what the hell do they sound like when the speakers are on ? Our guess is that it probably sounds a little like a chronic, terminal haemmorhoid sufferer being dropped onto a church spire, but with marginally less tonality.

Jedward, who are believed to be an Irish genetic experiment that has gone hideously wrong were unavaiable for comment today since they were allegedly being rigorously primed for Saturday's show by Louis Walsh at his Bangkok home for wayward boys

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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